Fin Wang Doom

« May 2015 »

Memo to Milo Yiannopoulos: EXSUCKSIOR!

I mentioned on Friday that Monday's column would provide some insight regarding the level of, shall we say, uncharacteristic restraint and mitigating language I used to describe people who think, incorrectly, that Avengers: Age of Ultron equates sterility with monsterdom.

It's simple. The wrongest feminist could be wrong about everything for eighteen straight months, and still not accumulate as much wrongness as exists in a single Breitbart News article by Milo Yiannopoulos, entitled "Avengers Director Joss Whedon Is Feminism's Battered Wife".

Honestly, I could stop there. Honestly, I -should- stop there. But we all know I'm not gonna, which means I'm going to need an easier to type name than "Yiannopoulos". I need something that sounds true to his Greek roots, but is easier to remember and more accurate. So "Nanopenis" it is.

Below that headline is a Photoshop job Nanopenis spent maybe 40 minutes on, showing a bandaged Whedon sporting a shiner, in case you failed to miss the subtlety of the headline. What follows THAT is a stream of raging men's-rights (did I mention Nanopenis is Breitbart's resident "GamerGate" "expert"? I have now) misogynistic trolling so strong and so direct that salmon, should they wish to spawn in the part of Nanopenis' brain where insecurity lives, would have to be very strong swimmers.

And honestly, it's not like Nanopenis' brain needs any more pent-up sperm in it. The second paragraph alone is equivalent to all the socks under all the mattresses of all the fourteen-year-olds in America. And keep in mind I'm trying to ease you into it. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Whedon has bent over backwards to appease feminists. (I’m speaking figuratively of course, but who knows? As a feminist he’s sure to be familiar with the cucking craze.) He’s pals with Anita Sarkeesian, a bonkers anti-video game radical who thinks video games and the “toxic masculinity” they promote are responsible for school shootings."

I have to unpack this quickly because there's so much more bad to get to, but first of all, cuckolding isn't a craze, it's a fetish. Second, cuckolding is not literally bending over backwards to appease feminists. You set one figurative thing against another (just barely, if you squint at it from far enough away) figurative thing as if they were opposites, because, and I cannot stress this enough, you are such a bad writer that reading your article made me REASSESS THE EDITORIAL STANDARDS OF BREITBART NEWS.

Also, you blatantly misuse the transitive property at the end there. Sarkeesian has argued that video games promote toxic masculinity, because, well, a lot of them do. Sarkeesian has argued that there's a connection between school shootings and "toxic masculinity" in the culture, which, for an argument contained in a single tweet, is fair enough. That does not equate to "video games cause school shootings", which is in fact a right-wing culture war argument. Learn rhetorical math. Wait, no, don't bother. Not when "sentence structure" and "an article is more than a series of weaksauce insult tweet screencaps posted out of misguided ego" are lessons still on the table.

And no, I am not shitting you. Between the penultimate and final paragraphs, there are 16, count them, SIX! TEEN! screencaps of tweets by Nanopenis, none of which even rise to the level of pyrite. Before that, there are gems like this:

"On the internet, men like Whedon are known as 'beta orbiters'. This is the manosphere word for men with no game (dating ability), who oleaginously suck up to their female friends, hanging on their every word, hoping that their boring, unthreatening, nice-guy attitude will eventually get them laid. Is Whedon a beta orbiter?"

Oh, sweet merciful fuckmonkeys, where do you even begin with a paragraph like this? First, not "on the Internet". Stop pretending your sub-sub-sub-culture's terminology is a thing. Second, you're defining "game" for people, which is a real word describing a real thing that really exists, and not "manosphere", which is not a real word describing a thing you'd better hope isn't real because if it's real, it can be nuked for the good of society.

Third, you're on the Internet. Everyone can look up synonyms for "oily". Nobody is impressed that you found one. Fourth, nobody, and I mean NOBODY, gives a shit about how much pussy your and your fellow "manosphere" "alphas" who've taken two pick-up-artist classes claim to be getting, are getting, or the actual measured distance between the two. The only people who care are your peers, and your peers are slime molds who've figured out how to use Typepad. Which makes them not people, which justifies my use of the word "nobody", and that's how writing works, fuckface.

There's more, but it's either more paragraphs like that one, or a bunch of vaguely related stories told through the warped perspective of the GamerGate/Men's Rights/Pickup Artist/Rampant Misogynist worldview. And as Nanopenis shows, those four terms are in fact entirely interchangeable.