No Preparation Necessary

« June 2015 »

Memo to You Know Who, You Know Who, And Your Motherfucking Hair: YOU ARE DUMB.

I think we all knew there was no other way this was going to go down. IDIOT SAYS THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"Last quarter, it was just announced, our gross domestic product - a sign of strength, right? But not for us. It was below zero. Who ever heard of this? It’s never below zero.” - The first two sentences, I shit you not, of Donald Trump announcing an actual, I shit you not, presidential campaign for 2016.

This is what's simultaneously awesome and horrifying about Donald Trump running for reals president. Most presidential candidates would open with a stirring statement, a homily, some kind of generic bullshit to establish their heartland bald-eagle bona fides. Not Donald Trump. Donald opens with something that is simultaneously demonstrably false and demonstrably wrong.

Wrong, because he doesn't mean GDP, he means the change in GDP. Actual GDP can't be below zero because you can't grossly domestically produce less than zero. The change in GDP was what was below zero last quarter. It's below zero all the time. It's how we know when there's a recession. When the economy is shrinking. Trump's opening sentence immediately disqualified him from being president, yet he still gets to run anyway. That's what Amercan exceptionalism is all about.

"I have so many websites. I have them all over the place. I hire people, they do a website. It costs me $3." Donald Trump, complaining about what was spent on

I eagerly anticipate Donald Trump being charged on a severe violation of labor laws, because unless his IT people spent about 20 minutes making an entire Donald Trump website, he's not paying his IT guys minimum wage. Also, Donald Trump doesn't understand what a website is, which should come as a surprise to absolutely nobody.

But beyond that, I need to comment on the sheer derp poetry of Donald Trump thinking that we'll all assume he's qualified to be president because he has so many websites, all over the place. Great. You were drunk at 4am and have your credit card number stored at GoDaddy and Squarespace. Here's the launch codes, asshole!

"We need somebody that can take the brand of the United States and make it great again. It’s not great. We need, we need, we need somebody that literally will take this country and make it great again. We can do that." - Donald Trump, and I have to say this again because none of us really believe it, RUNNING FOR ACTUAL PRESIDENT OF THE ACTUAL UNITED STATES OF ACTUAL AMERICA.

Let me ask you something. Is it 1991? I'm asking, because 1991 was the year Donald Trump divorced his most famous of wives, Ivana. And it seems to me that that was the last time the Trump brand wasn't a steaming pile of self parody in the lobby of a burned-out shell of a failed Atlantic City hotel and casino. But by all means, Donald, tell us about your successful branding.

And, again, America's Derp Poet Laureate strikes again. Three "we needs" followed by a completely inexplicable use of "literally". I could have chosen a lot of other quotes. I could have used "We need a president who wrote The Art Of The Deal". I could have used the bit where he accidentally advocated for single-payer socialized medicine to replace Obamacare. But there'll be time. Probably six months or so. And plenty of derp poetry from under the derp hair helmet to point and laugh at.