Accretion Dicks

« July 2015 »

Memo to Michael Cohen, Reince Priebus, and Mark Cuban: YOU ARE DUMB.

Donald Trump's candidacy is like a black hole of stupidity. It sucks really hard in its own right, but it also has an accretion disc, where all the stupidity attracted to Trump's strong insipid force whirls around him, throwing off very detectable dipshit rays. In other words, Trump collects IDIOTS SAYING THE DAMNDEST THINGS like cars collect birdshit.

"I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we’re in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don’t have. And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know. So I’m warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I’m going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me? I think you should go ahead and you should write the story that you plan on writing. I think you should do it. Because I think you’re an idiot. And I think your paper’s a joke, and it’s going to be my absolute pleasure to serve you with a $500 million lawsuit, like I told [you] I did it to Univision." - Donald Trump lawyer Michael Cohen's comment he DIDN'T apologize for yesterday.

The one he did apologize for, of course, was him saying "And of course, by the very definition, you can't rape your spouse" in response to allegations that Donald Trump raped his spouse. That one he said was inarticulate and he did not believe it, which, you know, makes sense given how incoherent and non-definitive and vague his statement was. Clearly he didn't believe it.

But the part that cracks me up is that Donald Trump's lawyer is a hot-tempered, aggressive dickhead. Which both makes sense and doesn't make sense. It makes sense that Trump would WANT to surround himself with people whose attitudes mirror his own, but it doesn't make sense how, after doing so, Donald Trump is still a going concern. It's less plausible than Entourage. Also, the dude is bragging about suing Univision, which is still the single funniest part of the entire Donald Trump campaign. It's like a Jersey Shore sketch became sapient, though clearly not self-aware.

"Certainly, I think our candidates should pledge not to run as a third-party candidate. I don’t see that happening. I think everyone understands that if Hillary Clinton’s going to get beat, she’s going to get beat by a Republican. And most people that run for president run to win, and if our candidates want to win, then they’ll have to run as a Republican." - RNC chair Reince Priebus, lying his ass off on the Today Show.

There is no clearer evidence that the GOP establishment is terrified of Donald Trump than this. And you don't get more establishment Republican than Reince Priebus. This was all prompted by Trump implying that if he didn't feel he was being treated "fair" by the Republican Party, he'd take his billions and go Ross Perot on their ass. Which everyone except Donald Trump knows would ensure a Democratic president in 2017, and Donald Trump thinks would be a total win for Donald Trump.

Here's a hint, Reince. If you don't see something happening, there's very little point in suggesting that all four thousand Republicans running for president in 2016 take a pledge NOT to do that thing just because one of them, the one we all totally know you're talking about, has threatened to do it. You clearly do see it happening and would like to take the possibility off the table as soon as possible so that you and the RNC can start shitting all over Trump with impunity. But all you accomplished was walking up to Trump and showing him your soft, white underbelly.

"I don't care what his actual positions are. I don't care if he says the wrong thing. He says what's on his mind. He gives honest answers rather than prepared answers. This is more important than anything any candidate has done in years." - Fellow billionaire Mark Cuban on his admiration for Trump, providing another data point that billionaires are all hard-working geniuses whose advice we should totally follow to the hilt when deciding how to run the country.

This attitude isn't actually new. From Palin to Bachmann to Nugent, there is a segment of the population that is perfectly willing to exchange the traditional mendacity of the politician with the ravings of an ignorant sociopath, just on the grounds that the raving sociopath is "saying what they think". What do they think? That we should get in big monster trucks and run over the poor for sport? Who cares what that policy is! Who cares if some hoity-toity PC policeman says running over the poor with monster trucks is "wrong".

In a sane world, more Trump-style honesty in politics would be a great thing. But we don't live in a sane world, we live in a world where support for the ravings of lunatic billionaires is at an all-time high. It's all well and good to say that when people really understand what awfulness politicians support, they'll reject it and elect Bernie Sanders, but that's the same kind of thinking that led people to believe that Serenity would have been a box office smash if it had just been "marketed correctly". The truth is, most people don't think like you do, because most people, even billionaires like Cuban, don't think at all.