Playing Catchup

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Memo to Hillary Clinton, Mike Huckabee, and Ben Carson: YOU ARE DUMB.

Labor Day weekend is over, as are my various life obligations on and around that particular holiday, and boy, have I got a lot of ground to make up. Motherfuckers were dumb as shit over the last few days. And not all of it was Kim Davis-related, although of course, some of it was. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"That was a mistake. I'm sorry about that. I take responsibility,” - Hillary Clinton, capitulating to everything that's wrong with modern politics.

You know why Hillary Clinton apologized for keeping a private e-mail server? Here's a hint. It's not because she feels bad about keeping a private e-mail server. This whole e-mail thing is such bullshit, and I say that as someone who's been on record for over a decade as a non-fan of the entire Clinton clan. She apologized because, ultimately, the media made her apologize. I'm sure the original strategizing was to have her not apologize, because if you apologize, you're admitting you did something wrong.

Unfortunately, the closer she came to apologizing without actually apologizing, the more the media focused not on the merits of what she said, or the evidence (or lack thereof) of wrongdoing in the e-mail scandal, but rather the parsing of her statements to FIND THE APOLOGY. And when they couldn't, to report stories basically saying "Clinton still doesn't apologize." The only way to stop those particular stories is to apologize, which is what she did when they gave her no other option. It's not genuine remorse, it's not anything except a weird checkbox the media suddenly decided she needed to fill in to keep running for President. And now that she's apologized, they can go back to drumming up false demand for Joe Biden.

"If somebody needs to go to jail, I'm willing to go in her place." - Mike Huckabee, telling the truth.

You want to know how bad Mike Huckabee's presidential campaign is going? Normally, a statement like this would be false bravado. "Oh, if only I could go to jail and spare you the indignity of temporary county-level imprisonment. Would that such thing were possible, but alas, it is not, so I must return to traveling around the country, eating corn dogs and kissing straight babies." But I think Huckabee's sincere. Not about the part where he'd be doing it to help her, just the part where he wants to do it.

Because for the Huckabee campaign, a week of co-opted chivalrous martyrdom in a Kentucky jail would do way more for his poll numbers than all the sparsely-attended town halls in Iowa and New Hampshire he could manage. Of course, Huckabee and Ted Cruz's photo op with Davis in jail got short-circuited by Davis' release on the grounds that she was no longer preventing gay people in her county from getting married. If I had to guess, I'd say it was a deliberate attempt to short-circuit her martyrdom play by both preventing her imprisonment from being a political prop and giving Davis a second opportunity to remind everyone that it's her own damn fault she was in jail by pulling another stunt and ending up back there. After Cruz and Huckabee have left town. But I'm sure the judge was considering none of that.

"They tell you that there’s a war on women. There is no war on women. There may be a war on what’s inside of women, but there is no war on women in this country.” - Ben Carson, who I must always remind you is legally able to cut open your head and touch your brainmeats.

Now, what Ben Carson said here is weird and bizarre, but it actually does make a certain amount of sense if you speak wingnut. Because what's inside of women is fetuses, and abortion is a war on fetuses, hence, abortion is a war on what's inside women. Does that perhaps treat women as mere incubators who will inevitably have one or more fetuses inside them during their lives, fulfilling their sole purpose on Earth? Perhaps. Certainly that subtext is a constant in the forced-birth world Ben Carson's a part of.

But that's not what's important right now. What's important right now is that Ben Carson is a strong second to Donald Trump in national polls. He's the only other Republican with double-digit support. Now, I'm not saying a lot of Trump's supporters will jump to Ben Carson if Trump flames out, because, well, there are a lot of white supremacists in Trump's 30%. But he's still doing way better than any Ben Carson reasonably should in this Republican field, and that should give us all pause, in this already insane primary season.