An Embarrassment of Embarrassments

« September 2015 »

Memo to the entire Suicide Squad, Ben Carson, and Scott Walker: YOU'VE HAD QUITE A WEEK.

This past week has been one of the dumbest in recent history, and these days, that's saying something. We had the debate, the growing culture war over the Clock Incident, and not one, but two different pontifigurds over Republican Islamophobia. The only way to deal with this is being as representative as possible when deciding which IDIOTS SAID THE MOST DAMNDEST THINGS!

"True Heart”, "Unit 1", "Secretariat", "Everready", "Humble", "One Nation", "Cohiba", "Gator", "Duck Hunter", "Harley", "Justice Never Sleeps". - Chris Christie, John Kasich, Carly Fiorina, Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Ben Carson, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Mike Huckabee, Scott Walker, and Rand Paul, revealing their ideal Secret Service code names during the debate.

There's a lot going on here. Scott Walker's choice of "Harley" was eerily prophetic, because Harley is also a member of the Suicide Squad, and Walker would last less than a week after this debate as a candidate. Only two phallic symbols, from Kasich and Cruz. I'm pretty sure that Fiorina was just trolling Trump, Trump was just trolling the world, and Marco Rubio didn't think about this question ahead of time or realize how much gators love water, too. Also, what the fuck, Huckabee? What? The? Fuck?

But the winner, by which I mean the loser, has to be Rand Paul, whose Secret Service code name idea contains 250% as many syllables as his actual name, 150% more WORDS than his actual name, and is apparently a libertarian slogan in the same way everything else Rand Paul does is libertarian: because Rand Paul fucking says so, that's why.

"I mean, they currently do not tend to operate the same way that our system does. Now, if someone has a Muslim background and they’re willing to reject those tenets and to accept the way of life that we have, and clearly will swear to place our Constitution above their religion, then, of course, they will be considered infidels and heretics, but at least I would then be quite willing to support them." - Ben Carson, on Sean Hannity's show, trying and failing to get out of the trouble he got into when he said he didn't think a Muslim should be president.

Oh, Ben. You're not Donald Trump. You're a regular candidate. When you say bone-crazy shit that you and the rest of the base believes, people pay attention, realize you mean it, realize it's blatantly unconstitutional and in direct opposition to your professed need to follow the Constitution, and rip you a new one. And since you're in second place, all the other candidates are going to pile on, too.

Of course, your rabid fear of Islam and desire that any Muslim candidate become an apostate in order to win your favor has a lot of support among the Republican base. A lot more than most Republicans will admit to. So it'll be interesting to see what happens in the polls, and whether even more lizard-brain mouth-breathers will flock to Carson's side because he's willing to stand up against the Mooslims and their PC enablers in the lamestream media.

"Today I feel I am being called to lead by helping to clear the field so that a positive, conservative message can rise to the top of the field," - Scott Walker, making me happy to be wrong.

I never expected Walker to be the one to follow Rick Perry out of the race. I mean, how awful must it feel to be Scott Walker and know that you're out of the race when Bobby Jindal, Jim Corzine, Lindsey Graham, and George Pataki are still going. Not still going strong, but still going nonetheless. And more importantly, how happy can how awful that must feel for him make me? Because it's making me very, very happy.

Also making me happy is Walker's hilarious attempt to spin quitting as his call to leadership. He's not even the first one to quit! He got the idea from Perry! You're going to tell me that Scott Walker woke up in the middle of the night, and the ghost or Ronald Reagan told him that Donald Trump must be defeated, and the only way for that to happen was for Walker to lose one for the Gipper? Walker, please. You quit because you sucked and nobody loved you. And let's hope you're one statewide election away from a 10 a.m. timeslot on Fox News.