Great White Male Hopes

« October 2015 »


What the fuck is it about bland white saviors these days? Joe Biden and Paul Ryan don't have a hell of a lot in common, but I'll tell you this, every single person who wants 'em is gonna stop wanting them when they get them and wonder why they ever wanted them.

I skipped writing this for yesterday in the hopes that Monday would provide some clarity regarding whether or not Paul Ryan was playing hard to get or not. Ryan, of course, is the former plaster model of a marble statue who stood next to Mitt Romney during his presidential run in an attempt to make Romney seem more lifelike. But now, Romney has been anointed the Savior Pro Tem of the Great Derpscrum, the Republican scramble to find a new Speaker of the House following John Boehner's resignation and the revelation that his expected successor, Kevin McCarthy, was gaffe-prone, was Kevin McCarthy, or has an extramarital thing going on everyone knows about but nobody will talk about if he stays out of the speakership.

Anyway, everyone who is anyone in Washington has seized on the narrative that if only Paul Ryan would say yes to the dress, the Republican party would unite behind him and we could all go back to forgetting that the Republican controlled House are a bunch of crazy assholes being held hostage by a few dozen batshit insane assholes.

Paul Ryan is saying "no", but like any good Republican, all of Washington is assuming that "no" means "maybe", and with enough flattery and pressure, will turn into a "yes" everyone will regret in the morning. Which I admit is an unfortunate metaphor to use when it's actually not clear whether Ryan means "no", or is just enjoying all the flowers and candy the media are sending him and knows they'll stop as soon as he grabs their gavel, but the politics of consent in politics is a tricky thing.

Ultimately, of course, whoever takes the job will either refuse to do everything the crazies want them to do, in which case they will declare that person The Enemy and we'll be back where we started, or the new Speaker WILL do the bidding of the hyper-extremists, and boy, will that be hilarious to watch. We continue to wait to see if Paul Ryan is dumb enough to realize this or not. It'll be a close call, because he's a dummy who's just smart enough to trick a bunch of other dummies into thinking he's a genius.

In a similar vein, but for much longer, Biden has been portrayed as the Democrats' "just right" candidate. My Sanders is too hot! My Clinton is too cold! But this Biden is just right!

Of course, the reality of things is that Hillary Clinton is someone a lot of people only like a little bit, and Bernie Sanders is someone that only a few poeople like a whole lot. And Biden? Well, if you take away the last month or two of manufactured Bidenmania, Joe Biden was the perfect vice president. He was a lot like Dubya in that way. He's a little goofy, a little odd, says weird stuff from time to time, and is handy to have around so that society can laugh at him instead of the people making the real decisions.

Right now, Joe Biden is the one firecracker you're allowed to have on July 4. You really want to set it off, but you have to wait. So your brain concocts a massive explosion that will surely happen when you're finally allowed to light it. And invariably, the result is a damp squib. Or, in this case, a damp squib with deep ties to the constantly immoral credit card industry.