Their Timing Is Also Awful

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Memo to Mike Huckabee, Marco Rubio, and Ted Cruz: NICE TIMING, ASSHOLES.

Last week, I was forced to once again include Ben Carson in my ongoing attempt to use IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS to prove that every single Republican candidate is equally awful. Within 36 hours, half a dozen of these fuckers came out with public statements that helped prove my case. So now I'm actually behind on quotes. I didn't even use two from Rubio. I could have, because despite being one of the poster boys for GOP moderation, he's no better than the rest of them. But we've gotta start with Huckabee.

"Sometimes the best way to deal with a nonviolent criminal behavior is what you just suggested” - Mike Huckabee, who is not getting a fucking pass.

I am officially done giving anyone a pass for agreeing with crazy bullshit the host of the show you're on says just because you're trying not to alientate their audience. Mike Huckabee was appearing on Jan Mickleson's show, which is a problem to start with, because this Iowa radio host is basically Rush Limbaugh without the self-control. He'd previously suggested that illegal immigrants could be rounded up and enslaved, and with Huckabee, he suggested that people who get caught stealing things should be put into indentured servitude in order to repay their crimes, like the Bible says we should do.

And Mike Huckabee said, sure, let's do that. That's one of the BEST WAYS to deal with non-violent criminals. Not even a "good" way. Not even the safe, non-committal, "that's one way" and then pivoting away. One of the best ways. I don't give a fuck why he said it, he said enslaving non-violent criminals was an awesome idea. About the only thing you could say in Mike Huckabee's defense is that with the rise of private prison contractors and prison labor, we're actually already enslaving our prisoners, paying them a minimal wage and having them spend it at the prison store so that they don't actually make any money. But at least the God we're doing it for is almighty capitalism.

"I have the full confidence that the American private sector, made up of the most innovative and productive people on this planet, won’t just create millions of jobs. They will create millions of jobs that pay more. Because even the jobs that are being created now don’t pay enough. You can’t live on $10 an hour. You can’t live on $11 an hour." - Marco Rubio, on why the mininimum wage is a bad idea.

He can say he has confidence in it, but I have the last 30 years of historical evidence, and that means I win, because while we've not been raising the minimum wage to keep pace with inflation, wages have stagnated and dropped, and America's super-awesome private sector has been doing everything in its power to pay people as little as possible, Which Rubio even admits, but presumably he's blaming it on pesky regulations like minimum wage laws.

Sure, Henry Ford said that thing that one time about paying people enough money that they could buy his cars, but the next thing he said was something about Jews having horns, and the entire remaining history of capitalism is the non-stop exploitation of labor for the lowest possible cost, including Mike Huckabee's new favorite technique, slavery. The only thing that stops coal miners from sending children hundreds of feet under West Virginia and paying them in off-brand Halloween candy is GOVERNMENT REGULATION.

"If you look at the Black Lives Matter movement, one of the most disturbing things is more than one of their protests have embraced rabid rhetoric, rabid anti-police language, literally suggesting and embracing and celebrating the murder of police officers. That is disgraceful.” - Ted Cruz, who should know a thing or two about disgrace.

Let's break that down for a second. "More than one of their protests" means two protests. And because all black protests look alike to Ted Cruz, they may not even have been Black Lives Matter protests, but just general anti-police protests in, say, Ferguson or Baltimore or New York that helped spawn the Black Lives Matter movement. And at these protests, a couple of handfuls of people chanting less than polite things are enough to tar the whole movement. I'd say it was a bad idea for Ted Cruz to play the guilt by association game, but since he constantly gets away with it despite the obvious hypocrisy, it's clearly a good idea.

But hey, let's take the one incident I do know for sure was Black Lives Matter - the local protest at the Minnesota State Fair where people were caught on tape chanting "pigs in a blanket, fry 'em like bacon." Even in that instance, one where I am contractually obligated to decry the extreme rhetoric even though my biggest objection to it is that frying pigs in a blanket like bacon is a really great way to ruin a pan, Cruz is wrong. They're not literally doing anything. They are in fact metaphorically suggesting the murder of police officers. Not literally. Dumbfuck.