Worst Week! Ever

« October 2015 »

Memo to Jeb Bush: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

All of the 2016 candidates are awful, but they are all awful little snowflakes, awful in their own unique way. And so, as I watch John Ellis Bush! Bush enjoy quite possibly the single worst week in his entire life, I can't help but chuckle at the way his possible campaign collapse slash implosion dovetails so nicely with Jeb's particular brand of awfulness - being a rich, entitled, out-of-touch asshole with the shadow of nepotism hanging over his dopey little head.

If you'd asked me last Wednesday evening what the single funniest moment of the Jeb Bush presidential campaign would be, I'd have put serious money on it being the Supergirl Incident. Bush was giving some bullshit talk at some bullshit forum and took handwritten audience question. One question, and I'm going to put it here for the record because it is often misquoted in the media, was "Who is your favorite superhero (Marvel)?" That parenthetical is often left out in the rush to get to the part where he said Supergirl was "pretty hot", and while I understand it, the journey there is worth remarking on.

He started off by saying "I like watching the movies, and I wish I owned Marvel". Normally I would not call out a fucking Bush for not knowing the difference between DC and Marvel. I'm sure the Bushes spent all their collective private school years giving wedgies to anyone who did know the difference. But he clearly knows enough to know that a bunch of popular superhero movies are Marvel, and Marvel's making a lot of money. So he could just say Captain America and move on, right? Wrong.

He went on to declare his sort of "old school" love for Batman, before expressing the abovementioned opinion of the new Supergirl, which he saw a commercial for at the gym. Which I think officially out-frats his brother, who is the frattiest president in recent history. "I don't know much about that nerd shit, but it makes a lot of money! And I saw a chick in a cape while I was working out. I'd bang her." Only, you know, delivered by a 62-year-old politician who's clearly convinced that everything coming from his brain is wrong but still can't stop any of it from coming out of his mouth. It was, to use an old Jim Rossism, bowling shoe ugly.

Then, two days later, the news broke that Jeb's campaign was having to cut payroll by 40%. Basically, Jeb's been spending money his entire campaign like someone who was polling about five times better than he was. It's the opposite of Trump, who barely had any employees to pay for most of the time he's been (or was, depending on you interpret the Carson surge in Iowa) the front-runner. Spending other people's money comes naturally to a Bush, as does ignoring the reality of facts on the ground, so none of this comes as any surprise, but the narrative very quickly became "Jeb's Fucked".

And then came Saturday, and a quote that makes the Supergirl quote take a distant third in the funniest moment of the Jeb Bush campaign. The second funniest moment was yesterday, when Dubya and Bush 41 had to come to his aid and meet with donors and reassure them all that everything was gonna be OK. At a retreat. "Retreat" is not a word Jeb Bush wanted to see in his campaign. Neither was "Dubya". But the funniest moment was in South Carolina. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I’ve got a lot of really cool things I could do other than sit around being miserable, listening to people demonize me and me feeling compelled to demonize them. That is a joke. Elect Trump if you want that.”

GO DO THEM. Also, they're not cool. But that's OK. Go do them anyway. There are umpteen other assholes that can continue to be hilariously awful in your stead, and let's face it, you're never gonna top the hat-trick of fucking Supergirl, telling us how miserable you are, and running to Dad for help. You've hit peak pathos. Quit while you're ahead.