This... Is FMK

« October 2015 »


I know that all the attention tonight is on the CNBC economic debate, where, as I write this, all ten candidates were asked to name their greatest weakness and revealed that their greatest weakness was answering a debate question about their greatest weakness.

But I need to call attention to a completely different interaction between a shitty cable news network and a shitty presidential candidate. A network with a nearly decade-long reputation for being inane and awful, and a presidential candidate polling so low he's still being relegated to the kid's table debates. Side note: there are still so many Republicans running that they still need kid's table debates, while two-thirds of the Democratic no-hopers have already dropped out. This is further proof that Democrats are better at math.

Anyway, the network in question is CNN, the candidate is Lindsay Graham, and the segment involved Dana Bash asking Graham, who was appearing on "Politics On Tap", to play a cleaned-up cable version of a party game.

Actually, another side note. Apparently, "Politics On Tap" features CNN journalists and newsmakers hanging out in a bar and drinking beer. Which is almost enough to make me wish they'd never found that Malaysian plane so that CNN wouldn't have the free time for bullshit like this. Now, where was I? Oh, right. Party game. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"There's a fun bar game, which I will clean up, because we are in mixed company, and on television. So I'm going to call it 'Date, Marry, or Make Disappear Forever.' You guys know what the real thing is, right? You know what the real thing is, right?"

Yes, we do. And that's the problem. You don't get to clean up "Fuck, Marry, Kill". You don't get to take out all the fucking and the killing, because the fucking and killing is what makes it a fun bar game. You know what part isn't fun? The part you don't have to clean up. And really, "Date"? "Make Disappear Forever"? The first is like how a Christian video store would clumsily overdub a porn tape to clean it up. "DATE me! DATE me so hard!" And the latter sounds like what Kim Jong Un uses as a euphemism for killing people. So Bash really covered all her bases when she datebotched this one.

For the reccrd, Lindsay Graham would fuck Sarah Palin, kill Hillary Clinton, and marry Carly Fiorina for her money. Given the relative ages of Graham and Fiorina, I think he was playing "Fuck, Marry Then Kill, or Kill". Or possibly "Fuck Then Kill, Marry Then Kill, or Kill" Lindsey's an odd little homunculus.

Also for the record, some have questioned, in this misogynist age, why anyone would be trying to get Lindsey Graham which successful, professional women* he would bang, murder, or torture** in the first place. Which is a valid point, but largely secondary, because I'm sure thoughts of sexism never crossed CNN's mind. When you're willing to go on the teevee and utter the words "Date, Marry, or Disappear Forever", you don't have thoughts or a mind for them to cross. You've achieved a level of inanity that surpasses garden-variety sexism.

*I know. Technically, it's one successful professional woman, one unsuccessful professional woman, and one woman who is not, nor can really pronounce, "successful" or "professional". But you know what I mean.

**Hey, if they can clean up "fuck" and "marry", I can re-accuratize their cleaned-up "marry Lindsey Graham".