Defining Skepticism, Facts, And Breakfast

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Memo to Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, and Jeb Bush: STILL AWFUL.

Are they all still awful? Why yes, they are. For example, Marco Rubio is still awful. Don't be fooled by the positive press he's been getting in the past week, as billionaires flock to his side and the media seize on the latest "here's the adult moderate who will save us from The Orange Goblin" narrative. However, due to that positive coverage, I will have to turn to three other awful candidates to continue proving via IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS that they're all awful. Luckily, three of them obliged by being awful. They always do.

"Look at the language, where they call you a denier. Denier is not the language of science … Any good scientist is a skeptic; if he’s not, he or she should not be a scientist. But yet the language of the global warming alarmists, ‘denier’ is the language of religion, it’s heretic, you are a blasphemer.” - Ted Cruz, Ted Cruzing it up.

One of the annoying things about stupid, irrational people is that, through willfulness, inability, or both, they refuse to understand how rationality works. Religious types like Cruz criticize rational things by comparing them to religions, all the while pressing for their actual relgious beliefs to be followed unquestioningly and enshrined into law by the government. It's maddening, or it would be if I weren't completely numb to it after all this time.

But of course, this is not how skepticism works. Skepticism doesn't mean you question everything all the time on the grounds that you're supposed to question everything all the time. Scientists don't put plastic bags over their heads because they're skeptical that humans need air to survive. And scientists don't just give any old fringe bullshit credence because they have to conform to Ted Cruz's definition of science and how it compares to religion. Scientists understand all this shit because they are scientists, and not fuckwits like Ted Cruz.

"My message to the ladies of The View is man up. If you want to debate me on policies – the Obama administration for example has been bad for women, Planned Parenthood is harvesting baby parts – if you don’t like those facts and those messages, man up and debate me on them. But don’t sink to talking about my face." - Carly Fiorina, posing an interesting conundrum.

The chronology here is important. Last Thursday, during the CNBC debate, Fiorina repeated her lie that 92% of the job losses during Obama's first term were lost by women. On Friday, The View made fun of her smile. On Sunday, she admitted she "misspoke" regarding the 92% number, an admission which presumably extended to all the other times she's said it and defended saying it even after being told she was full of shit. And then on Monday, she challenged The View to debate her on the facts, including the fact she admitted to lying about (because that's what "misspoke" means) and also her lie from the first debate that she's never admitted to misspeaking about.

For months, people have in fact debated Carly Fiorina on the facts, and she has responded by claiming that her lies are facts and that facts are lies. Under those circumstances, while I cannot necessarily condone making fun of Carly Fiorina's face as a form of political commentary, I can certainly stand making fun of Carly Fiorina's face. Her stupid, stupid face.

"They don't know me. They don't know me. I eat nails when I wake up, then I have breakfast." - John Ellis Bush! Bush, to Bloomberg.

First rule of campaigning. Before words leave your mouth, contemplate whether or not those words will cause every single person who hears them to burst into laughter. If they will, ask yourself, "am I telling a joke?" If not, don't say it. Note that, like all other rules of campaigning, the first rule of campaigning does not apply to Donald Trump

Even if Jeb Bush ate nails, we all know he wouldn't eat them the way he describes. He'd have his private chef prepare the nails, possibly with a bearnaise sauce or Nails Benedict. He wouldn't have them as a pre-breakfast snack. In fact, just to get pedantic, if he ate nails when he woke up, that would be breakfast, because the nails would be how he broke his fast. Anything he ate after the nails would qualify as brunch. The point is, Jeb acting tough would be adorable if it weren't so goddamned ridiculous. I hope he keeps doing it, as a warning to future campaigns.