Terrorizing Complete

« November 2015 »

Memo to Joe Manchin, Rupert Murdoch, and Bobby Jindal: CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR SUCCESSFUL TERRORIZATION.

We take a brief break from using IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS to prove that all the Republican presidential candidates are awful to expand back to its usual remit, that everybody is awful. Specifically, everybody is awful in the post-Paris world. Because what better way to show that terrorism is a losing strategy than to shit your pants about a bunch of refugees.

"Because of the Syrian fighting that’s going back and forth, people coming from that area now are very, very highly suspicious. They could be involved in this terrorist plot against us. So why take a chance?” - Joe Manchin, working on his entry in Profiles In Courage II.

Yeah, why take a chance? I mean, one of the Paris attackers was a Syrian refugee! Well, OK, he wasn't, ISIL just planted a fake Syrian passport to make us all be afraid of Syrian refugees so that nobody would take them in, but still, why take a chance? After all, I think it's the tenet of all major religious, ethical, and moral movements in the world to date that you should only do the right thing and help other people when it carries absolutely no risk to yourself. That's why we give medals to people who stand on subway platforms while passed-out people on the tracks get squished by trains.

As of this writing, 31 different states have gone on the record to say "don't send them to us", even though by most accounts, those declarations have both the strength and foul odor of a wet fart. And it's bipartisan - shitheel pigfucker Republicans like Mike Huckabee and quivering shitheel Democrats like Joe Manchin agree: brown people are scaaaaaaaary!

"Obama facing enormous opposition in accepting refugees. Maybe make special exception for proven Christians." - Rupert Murdoch, because for some reason nobody's taken his Twitter away yet.

Ted Cruz also proposed letting Christians in while letting Muslims rot in mistery, but we're not talking about presidential candidates today, so we'll go with Murdoch. a weird racist raisin on legs who somehow controls way more of the world's media than makes any fucking sense whatsoever. I would be interested in the test used to "prove" people are Christians. I mean, it clearly can't be their willingness to be kind to refugees.

This is, of course, another triumph of American Exceptionalism. I mean, America is the greatest country in the world, or so we're told, again and again. Our capabilities are limitless. But we can't handle 60,000 foreign refugees of a civil war WE HELPED ARM AND TRAIN because we are apparently so ineffectual that we can't deal with the fact that some of them might be trouble. We can't vet them? Figure something out so we can help the people we hurt.

"As with former immigration crises and federal relocation policy, Louisiana has been kept in the dark about those seeking refuge in the state. It is irresponsible and severely disconcerting to place individuals, who may have ties to ISIS, in a state without the state's knowledge or involvement." - Bobby Jindal, who conveniently made it possible for me to include him in today's column.

I said I wasn't going to include stuff from presidential candidates in this column, so it's very convenient for me that Bobby Jindal dropped out of the presidential race last night. It's also convenient for America. IN dropping out, he said "it's not his time", which is something he could have learned from any calendar with a year on it after his disastrous State of the Union response in 2009. But he's out, and that's funny. Not as funny as Lindsey Graham still being in, but still pretty funny.

I mostly want to mock Bobby Jindal for being a pathetic failure as a candidate despite his desperate, shameful attempts to whitewash his Indian heritage, but I also want to address the "with ties to ISIS" standard. Since, for the most part, very few people could tell you who ISIS even is, and since, for the most part, the phrase "ties to" has been defined so broadly that it could be used as a smear against a former State Department deputy chief of staff, let's recognize that statement for what it is. Another safe-for-cable-news synonym for "brown".