He's Too Sexy For The End Zone

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I cannot begin to describe how much I hate what you people are about to make me say.

I don't want to say it. I don't want to have to say it. But you fuckers have gone SO far overboard on this that you've forced me into the unenviable position of not only giving a flying fuck about someone who otherwise wouldn't deserve my time, but actually DEFENDING someone who, odds are, would be a subject more often than not. So when I say this, know that I say this with every last drop of bitterness and utter fucking contempt the following sentence implies.

Lay off of Randy Moss, for fuck's sake. Just typing that makes the world go all gray for five seconds, goddammit.

Famous professional athletes are, as a group, honored wildly out of proportion to their actions. This is not necessarily their fault, but the fault of a society whose priorities get more out of whack every year. Some of them take that notoriety and roll with it. Some use it as a platform to get their bigotry heard. Last time I paid any particular attention to Randy Moss was when he bumped a traffic cop with his car, which struck me as a pretty churlish thing to do.

But now Moss is being lambasted. Raked over the coals. Drawn, quartered, tarred, feathered, pilloried, and while I won't go so far as to say "lynched", don't think I'm not tempted to. And his crime? Pretending to moon Packers fans.

Yes, pretending. That's not what I heard at first, of course. All I heard was about how Randy mooned people. The "mooning incident". I've heard less talk about the moon in rooms full of Werewolf LARPers. It was only after I read some of the copious, inescapable, in-depth coverage of this tragedy that I learned that he did not, in fact, show his ass to the crowd, but rather, mimed the act of showing his ass to the crowd, leaving his actual ass to the imaginations of thousands of Wisconsinites.

This act has caused a not-unsmall amount of outrage. It's been called "disgusting", "classless", "ignorant", "embarassing", and networks struggled over the question of whether, and how often, to an impressionable nation already traumatized by boobies and bare backs. Why, the merest intimation of a wiggling male buttock might send us into a faint.

Even Rush Limbaugh thinks people are being unfair to Randy, although he did go out of his way to mention "big Afros" and "pimp juice" in the process, because, well, Rush is a fucking racist pig. When Rush Limbaugh is even tangentially on the side of reason, there is some serious misplacing of outrage going on here.

And, quite frankly, how DARE people even have outrage left to spend on Randy Moss's ass? Eight letters and two commentaries on the Star-Tribune editorial page over this in just one day. Calls for fines. Calls for SOMETHING TO BE DONE.

Meanwhile, the administration got caught spending a quarter million dollars to illegally hire a journalist to shill No Child Left Behind in opinion columns and television appearances. Another day, another egregious abuse of power that they'll get away with because everyone's busy checking Sports Illustrated's website eight times a day to see if Moss has gotten fined yet.

No letters about Armstrong Williams in the Strib yesterday. No commentaries. There's no time! People are much too busy chastising Moss. They have to! If they don't stand, loud and proud, against the kind of behavior they secretly, in their heart of hearts, tuned in to see, people might think they ENJOYED the antics. Which they did, of course. Moss's ass puts asses in seats. It puts eyeballs on sports shows. It puts food on the table of washed-up athletes-turned-commentators.

Every single one of these fuckers decrying Moss in public is going home and sacrificing a goat to Ba'al in the hopes he and his fellow players will keep doing it. And all the people actually committing heinous acts are sacrificing TWO goats, because every second you spend on a pretend ass is one less second you can spend on what really matters. And then I have to spend my time yelling at YOU for being even dumber fucks than you usually are. And you wonder why I hate.