Three Iffy By Cruz

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Memo to Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, and Ted Cruz: TRIFECTA, MOTHERFUCKER.

Ted Cruz has been a fairly light presence in the ongoing effort by IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS to demonstrate that all the GOP candidates are awful people. This is somewhat surprising, since Ted Cruz has been demonstrably awful for far longer than most of his rivals. (Once again, a rule that does not apply to Donald Trump). Luckily, the Planned Parenthood shooting gave Cruz a chance to shine, and really go the extra mile to capture the full trifecta this week.

"It’s also been reported that he was registered as an independent and a woman and a transgendered leftist activist, If that’s what he is, I don’t think it’s fair to blame on the rhetoric on the left. This is a murderer.” - Ted Cruz, demonstrating a traditionally low bar for use of the verb "reported".

Ted Cruz' "report" that Dear was transgender was based on a clerical error on a voter registration form that had him listed as a woman. Now, as a straight white cis male, I don't know a lot about the transgender community and the process of transition, but I'm betting that most men even early on in their transition would make even the most rudimentary effort to trim their giant bushy beards. But Ted Cruz, he saw that mug shot and saw a woman trapped in a man's body.

I assume "leftist activist" is just an automatic suffix Cruz and his ilk automatically attach to "transgender" after fuckbotching and using the past-tense verb form. This was proven beyond wrong in a matter of hours, with the revelation that Dear was a super-Jesus-y, anti-Obama, backwoods hermit with a long, creepy backstory. Being wrong in every conceivable way has, of course, led to Cruz continuing to rise in the polls, because that's how American politics works.

"Now, listen, here's the simple and undeniable fact: the overwhelming majority of violent criminals are Democrats. The media doesn't report that," - Ted Cruz, trying to distract from the Planned Parenthood murders.

The reason the media hasn't this is because, of course, it's not true. There's no data on this. There is some data that says felons, both non-violent and violent, register as Democrats in about a 60-40 ratio after leaving prison. In three states. When they register to vote at all, which most of them don't. But we reward making shit up, so why shouldn't we reward making shit up in service of defending yourself from the charge that your making-up-of-shit got three people killed?

And let's not forget that Cruz is also dogwhistling here, because in Republican code, "violent" means "black", "criminals" means "black people', and "Democrats" also means "black people". Which means what he actually said is that the media refuses to report that the overwhelming majority of black black people are black people, which sounds like a statement of fact but, to a Republican, is actually the scariest thing ever.

"Last I checked, we didn't have a rubber shortage in America... "So what do you do? You go, 'Ah, ha! Condom police. I'm gonna make up a completely made up threat and try to scare a bunch of folks that are not paying a lot of attention into thinking someone's going to steal their birth control." - Ted Cruz, trying to prove that Republicans don't oppose contraception.

I left out the part about how Ted Cruz could get condoms from a vending machine in college because that's the part that makes you think of a college-age Cruz, with his college-age version of Ted Cruz' lizard face, humping away clumsily and ineffectively at some Harvard sorority member. Nobody wants to think of that. So I left it out. You're welcome. Side note, I wondered whether this claim might be bullshit, and that's when I learned that Ted Cruz is two years younger than I am, which makes me sad.

Anyway, this doesn't need pointing out, but Ted Cruz' defense of the Republichristian War On Contraception is that the least effective form of contraception there are supplies of, the form of contraception that men use and are still largely in control of, is in ready supply if you have the money to pay for it. And know it exists and how to use it despite having been taught abstinence-only sex ed thanks to Republichristian school boards. Still, it's impressive that of Cruz's three epic stupid duplicitous piles of bullshit over the past few days, this is actually the LEAST egregious.