A Simpler Time

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Memo to Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum, and Donald Trump: YOU'RE UP!

As we ready ourselves for another round of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS examining the awfulness of the GOP field, let's take a moment to look at the current standings. Cruz is way ahead in Iowa, and Trump is way ahead nationally. And it's important to remember that if someone were to go back in time and kill Baby Trump (where's Jeb Bush when you need him?), we'd all be telling ourselves "There's no way Ted Cruz is going to be the nominee" instead of Trump. And we'd be just as potentially wrong.

"We hate to lose Alice, but she's decided that she's I think exhausted from the campaign. We're moving forward. I think if people try to read more into it than is there, they're going to be making a huge mistake."” - Mike Huckabee, on why the departure of communications director Alice Steward doesn't mean his campaign's in trouble.

And in one sense, he's right. The sign that his campaign is in trouble is that the only news story I've seen about Huckabee in weeks is this one about whether or not his campaign is in trouble. This amuses me so much that I actually chose it over Huckabee's blue-balls debate comment that lazy pot-smoking millennials aren't going to get jack shit from the government because they're lazy pot-smoking lazies. This is better.

Becuase first, Hucks isn't sure why his communications director quit, but he thinks it's exhaustion. Which raises a vitally important question. How, exactly, would Mike Huckabee's communications director get exhausted? I mean, facilitating the last month's-worth of communication between Mike Huckabee and the media must have taken about ten minutes, tops. Maybe she's got a lot of hobbies?

"I know this is going to come as a shock to a lot of people, and I mean that sincerely, Islam is not just a religion it is also a political and governing structure, The fact of the matter is Islam is a religion, but it is also Sharia law. It is also a civil government. It is also a form of government so the idea that that is protected under the First Amendment is wrong and in fact, that political structure is what is the big problem." - Rick Santorum, who believes that America is a Christian nation.

Ignoring the part about Sharia law, a term Republicans use with as much meaning and understanding as the phrase "their beards shoot lasers", every single thing Santorum said could be said about the American theocratic state. Kim Davis is a civil government. State constitutions outlawing gay marriage in order to enshrine three small Bible passages into the law of the land. Three verses that have literally defined Rick Santorum's entire career and, as a result, defined his last name.

Way more American Christians are trying to treat their religion as a political and governing structure than American Muslims are. Which is probably why I'm more sympathetic towards them than I am toward American Christians. Well, that and the fact that they've spent the last month or so actively under attacks by dipshits who identify as Christian? And that because these dipshits are dipshits, non-Muslims who are brown and/or bearded are getting attacked too.

"If a few of those people that are now dead, if a few of those people had guns strapped to their ankles or strapped to their waists, you wouldn’t have the problem, right? If I were there, I’m licensed to carry, I will tell you this. If I were there, if somebody were there, if we had some firepower in the opposite direction, those people would’ve been gone.” - Donald Trump, making me feel nostalgic for summer.

Remember summer? Carefree summer? Sure, Trump was leading in the polls, and saying adorably crazy shit like how his open carry permit would totally permit him to pack heat in Paris. And speaking of things that would totally work, Trump's flaccid penis-substitute pistol going up against trained terrorists armed with bombs and automatic weapons!

And he'd say shit like that, and we'd laugh, and call it the Summer of Trump, and not realize that as the days grew shorter, the poll numbers would get higher, and Trump supporters would shout SIEG HEIL as a black protester was dragged away from one of Trump's increasingly rowdy White Power rallies. It was a simpler time. Plus, I hadn't seen the Star Trek: Beyond trailer, so I wasn't spending all my brain's free time wondering what the fuck is up with that.