Men's Rights Mondays: The Dick Jokes Awaken

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Memo to the Men's Rights Movement: FOR MY SANITY, YOU GET A DAY.

Welcome to 2016, the twelfth year of You Are Dumb Dot Net. Most importantly, this is the fourth presidential election year of YAD, which means I have experience with presidential election years. And what that experience has taught me is that, without something other than the election to talk about, I will go out of my fucking mind by mid-May at the latest. Which is why I'm introducing MEN'S RIGHTS MONDAYS.

So, on some, many, or all Mondays, I will be devoting time and space to to one of the funniest groups of garbage-people operating in the public space today, the Men's Rights Movement, These people are, essentially, the Tea Party for dicks. I know the Tea Party is the Tea Party for dicks, but the MRM is the Tea Party for actual penises. It's a weird intersection of conservatism, white supremacy, sexism, the "pick-up artist" thing, and, most importantly of all, insecurity and resentment.

The mortal enemy of the MRM are Social Justice Warriors, or "SJW's", defined as anyone who would dare promote the equality of non-straight, non-white, non-males. Basically, imagine if, the first time Rush Limbaugh thought of the term "feminists", it formed a race of monsters out of the earth like orcs. Except these monsters have broadband and comfortable chairs. Not comfortable enough to prevent their perpetual state of butthurt, but still, pretty comfortable.

One of their wretched hives of scum and villainy is a place called "Return of Kings", of which I became aware after they claimed they cost a piece of pop-culture SJW propaganda $4.2 million in revenue. Which would be impressive under two key conditions. First, that it were true, and second, that the propaganda in question weren't, oh, a little indie production called Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens.

I know what you're wondering. Other than the fact that it stars a black dude and a chick, how is this movie anti-male propaganda? At great personal risk, I tracked down their complaints about the movie, and I can as a result report to you that other than the leading black guy and leading women, the film also features other women and minorities doing things they're incapable of like shooting guns and leading people.

Interestingly, the author of the piece, one David Garrett, does heap praise on parts of the film, most notably, for some reason, the -- and yes, technically this is sort of a spoiler but not much of one and we're nearly three weeks in and it's very relevant to the topic at hand -- Space Nazi Rally. For some reason, that part resonated with David "Triumph of the Willy" Garrett.

So, how, exactly, did Return of Kings cost Disney an increasingly small fraction that started out well below a single percent of what is bound to be the most money any movie has ever made, ever? Well, it started with that most methodological of methodologies, the Twitter poll. A poll which asked "Did online reporting of the social justice nature of the new Star Wars movie affect your decision to see the film?" Fifty five percent of respondents voted "yes".

And again, you have questions! I know you have questions. The poll question references any online reporting, but Return of Kings gives credit only to their own reporting. Was there other reporting? Yes, there was. Also, "affect your decision" doesn't necessarily mean "stopped you from seeing it". How many of the 565 poll respondents decided to see the movie, or see it an extra time, because they follow the RoK Twitter account to laugh at them? Nobody knows.

But the best part, and the most MRM part of the whole thing, is how Garrett takes a very small thing (565 poll respondents) and pretends it's a very large thing (900,000 readers of RoK). I mean, as of now, I'm part of RoK's "readership", may my ape ancestors have mercy on my soul. By pretending "readership" and "willing to respond to a poll on Twitter" are somehow correlatable, he can pretend that 55% of 900K people didn't see the movie because of all the blacks, browns, and vulvas in it. At $8.32 a pop, there's your $4.2 million.

It's a number that's been artificially inflated, probably using a clear plastic pump of some sort, then stretched, then placed up against a ruler that's clearly measuring centimeters instead of inches. But it has the desired effect. Making an insecure white dude on the Internet feel big and important. Which is what the Men's Rights movement is all about.