Guns And Unicorns

« January 2016 »

Memo to Ted Cruz, Fluffy Unicorn, and Jeb Bush: YOU ARE DUMB.

I really wanted to include a George Pataki quote to this week's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS in honor of his exit from the presidential race, but if he said anything anyone listened to in the last month beyond "I'm leaving the race", I don't know what it is. Plus, I was torn between awful quotes about Oregon and awful quotes about Obama's gun control plan, so I split the difference. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"Today we have government of the lobbyists, by the lobbyists, and for the lobbyists. Now, the long knives are coming out because I dared to tell you and the rest of America the truth and expose what was really happening behind closed doors in Washington.” - Ted Cruz, feeding the beast.

Obama's new executive action is so incredibly tame that even conservative legal scholars who are paid to think about shit for a while before being wrong about it think it's no big deal. But "After seven years of inaction, Obama's going to insist that some of you selling guns over the Internet and at shows for profit actually act like gun salesman and get licenses" doesn't rile people up, so texts like Cruz', accompanied by a sinister Photoshop of Obama in black military gear and the text "OBAMA WANTS YOUR GUNS".

The only question I have at this point is if the Nazi reference to "long knives" was deliberate, or if this shit is so ingrained into the Republican party at this point that they've forgotten where the phrase comes from and are just regurgitating the crazy. And let us never forget that Cruz is positioned as the reasonable alternative to Donald Trump. Oh, and if people want to take your guns away, maybe the next quote will tell you why.

"The Black Lives Matter movement, they can go and protest, close freeways down and all that stuff, and they don’t get any backlash, not on the level that we’re getting." - Fluffy Unicorn. Which I'm gonna have to explain, I know.

This quote is from the Huffington Post, and is from someone claiming to be a bodyguard for the leaders of the Oregon militia group currently engaged in an armed occupation of a wildlife refuge center and/or the world's greatest piece of guerilla theater about white privilege the world has ever known. And he gave HuffPo the alias "Fluffy Unicorn", which would make me suspect the whole thing's a hoax, except for the fact that I watched one of Y'all Qaeda's (thanks, Internet, for that awesome name) press conference, and they're super-duper dumb.

Now, I actually sort of support the right of people to protest and occupy public spaces in response to perceived injustice, even if I think that injustice is bullshit and you just wanna do whatever you want to do with shit you don't own and ignore any consequences that might hurt other people or their property, you fucking arsonist-enablers. But when you set up guard towers, bring your guns, threaten to kill anyone who tries to evict you, and post "goodbye videos" to YouTube in the unlikely, borderline-impossible event of your martyrdom at the hands of the evil gummint, then you're not protesting anymore.

"But my brother—if you did the polling and actually looked at it, he’s probably the most popular president amongst Republicans in this country.” - Jeb Bush who I guess thinks he's still in the race?

This quote has to do with Jeb Bush arguing with Mitt Romney over how helpful or harmful George W. bush is to the Jeb Bush campaign. Romney was all "I told him Dubya would drag him down" and Jeb was all "my brother is super awesome" and I'm all "when will this meeting of the Loser's Club end?"

Eveything about this is hilariously pathetic. Romney thinking anyone needs his advice on campaigning! Jeb rejecting Romney's advice and forging his own path to a completely embarassing victory. The fact that this happened on Morning Joe, the show run by, and for, shitty moderate Republicans. It's kind of like the campaign ads in Iowa right now - a bunch of assholes hovering around 5% taking Nerf potshots at each other. It's gonna be so much fun when Jeb finally drops out.