And Stop Calling Them "Bradifer" While You're At It

« January 2005 »

Memo to the perspective-free. YOU ARE DUMB.

Here's the new rule. In order to give a shit about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston breaking up, you have to fall into one of several categories I will enumerate shortly. If you do NOT fall into one of these categories, yet still feel bad about the breakup of two celebrities you've never met, get your SHIT together, cut it out, and then come back. Because you are part of the problem, unless you are:

  • Brad Pitt (unless, of course, you're just happy to be free of that "Along-Came-Polly-does-not-constitute-a-movie-career" ball and chain.
  • Jennifer Aniston (unless, of course, you're just happy to be free of that "Sexiest Man Alive My Ass, And Troy Was Shit" motherfucker
  • A close friend or relative of Brad Pitt or Jennifer Aniston who, as a result of the breakup, has been forced to console one, the other, or both celebrities in this tragic time
  • Maybe, MAYBE, Angelina Jolie, but quite frankly, she's got a great deal to answer for cinematically, so I am not inclined to be kind

Everyone else needs to shut the fuck up and get on with their lives. Especially the losers the Sacramento Bee found, who are inconsolable over the loss of a relationship they'd only read about in "People". And when I say "read about in People", I mean "saw pictures of them hugging in People". Let's start out with one of the bastards responsible for so many of you giving a fuck in the first place, Ken Baker, executive editor, Us Weekly. It's ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I can't tell you how many people have said to me, ?If they can't make it, who can?' " - Here's a hint, Ken, in case you're at a loss as to how to answer these people. How about the BILLIONS of non-celebrities who manage it every single fucking day? Did I miss the memo? Did Pitt and Aniston declare themselves the Global Relationship Exemplars, and it just sneaked past me? I don't think so. If they can't make it, TOUGH SHIT.

"It's kind of depressing; I'm a single girl myself, and it's like there's no hope. I was hoping it would turn out to be forever." - Michelle Biggs, who is apparently unaware that neither Brad Pitt nor Jennifer Aniston are among a race of IMMORTALS FROM THE PLANET ZEIST. It was never going to be forever, Michelle. If this is what makes you realize there's no hope, then I appreciate you finally catching up with the rest of the nihilist tour group, but I can't help but notice that you hijacked a short bus to do it.

"...somehow we had something invested in this couple, we felt we knew them... Aniston seems more like a former roommate, perhaps because we spent 10 years watching her on "Friends." ... Pitt has a comic gift that makes him seem like your favorite goofy cousin." - Sacramento journalist Alison Roberts, who cannot go four words without making me vomit, just a little, right in the back of my mouth. Anybody who "felt they knew" either Pitt or Anistion is what we in the business call FUCKING DELUSIONAL.

Former roommate? Goofy cousin? These are people who are never seen not acting. If you can see them, then they know you can see them, and they are acting. That's what they do. Maybe, just maybe, constantly having to live up to these delusional fantasy versions of themselves inside the heads of people like Roberts and Biggs, while being hounded by leeches like Baker, contributes to their seeming inability to keep a relationship going. Or maybe they're just egotistial wealthy pricks who like to sleep around a lot.

Either way, they're not your friends, they're not your role models, they're not giant imaginary wells of vicarious happiness you can use to fill your own empty, barren life with. They're just a couple of actors who can't stand each other anymore. As it was in the beginning, so shall it be, until the end of time, or until you slack-jawed, Entertainment Weekly-addicted rejects wise the hell up.