Pride (In The Name Of Dumb)

« January 2005 »

It's Martin Luther King day. And you know, if Martin Luther King Jr. were alive today, he'd look at all of us, from his cell in Guantanamo Bay, and he'd want to bitchslap every last one of us.

LiveJournal was out of commission for 48 hours this weekend, and as many of YAD's readers use the popular service, I'd like to extend my condolences. I truly hope you weren't too inconvenienced, and that you have since been able to update your friends and acquaintances on your mood. I hope you were able to carefully keep track, perhaps using some kind of ink/paper database, of the music you listened to during the downtime, so as to post a comprehensive list upon the site's return. I hope the megaphone you bought to shout out your window about how your breakfast went wasn't too expensive.

I assume those of you with fourteen-year-old kids in your family were aware of the problem, and kept a close eye on your adolescents during this trying time. I'd hate to read a story three months from now about an inexplicable surge in the suicide rate.

But LiveJournal is back up, and the new management went out of its way to assure its millions of users that they have corrected the problem, and are doing everything in their power to ensure that you will never be unable to figure out which character from He-Man you are. Ever again. Oh, and they asked me to pass this along: you're all Orko.

Know what the difference is between Comcast and the rest of us? It doesn't take the rest of us the better part of a year to realize that "G4TechTV" is the sorriest-ass name for a cable channel in history.

The good news is, Comcast has finally seen the light. Last March, they bought out TechTV and merged it with their oddly-named video game channel, G4. The merger provided a certain amount of synergy, as the staff of TechTV were able to actually produce one watchable show about video games. But now, the TechTV is being dropped, along with most of its old programming, to create... G4.

I can only assume they didn't want to rename their hideous awards show.

Along with its re-re-branding, G4 is making a concerted attempt to move its most heinous crime against humanity into a solid second place. G4 has long been writ large in the annals of perfidy for putting Tommy Tallarico on television. Over and over again. Being wrong and annoying. Constantly. When it comes to non-stop rampaging ignorance, Tallarico is at the top of his game, and nine times out of ten, when you flip to G4(TechTV), there he is, his strange, oblate skull spouting things you normally hear out of the mouths of twelve year olds with lead poisoning.

But as bad as Tallarico is, he's no "Girls Gone Wired", the new "virtual beauty pageant" debuting in May on the new G4. The name may sound familiar to you if you watched the channel. It was the name of a segment on "Unscrewed with Martin Sargent", one of the TechTV holdovers that has since been cancelled due to being entertaining. The segment, which was one of the least appealing on an otherwise pretty good show, put pictures of naked and half-naked women from the Internet on the screen while Sargent enumerated their finer qualities. It was a bit sad, but it was short. And the women were actual humans, consisting of at least 80% actual human flesh.

G4, well known for taking a shitty idea and treating it like the Ten Commandments, has taken the name of a segment of a show that they cancelled, and turned it into an entire show about which fake woman is the prettiest. 40 female game characters will "compete" in creatively titled categories like "sexiest voice" and "most likely to kick enemy ass". So, you know. Empowering.

And heaven forbid they create a panel of "experts" (inevitably including Tommy Tallarico) to decide. No, they'll leave it up to online voting. The only possible way to make a competiton about which data sets have the perkiest nipples even more irrelevant is to subject it to the whims of the one-handed subset of viewers with enough free time to ponder the question. If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, the voters in this pageant qualify as a weapon of mass destruction.