Failure Pile!

« January 2016 »

Memo to Rick Santorum, Jeb Bush, and Ted Cruz: YOU ARE DUMB.

They're still all awful, and most of them are still in the race, because facts and math don't mean shit to any of them. Anyway, today's presidential IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS will be in ascending poll numbers, because there's no data points I can use to differentiate between their IQs.

"I can’t stand the media. From the start of this campaign, they’ve decided that we’re not worthy of them. They think it’s their job to anoint who they think should be the Republican nominee. Seriously? The media determining the Republican nominee? Give me a break!” - Rick Santorum, trying to fundraise off USA Today saying his campaign was dead.

Oh, Rick. If USA Today has noticed that your campaign is dead, it's not just dead, it's stinking up the room. If you're looking for either an unprecedented journalistic scoop or, in your fantasy world, a media conspiracy to destroy you because reasons, you don't look to USA Today, which essentially started life as a dead-tree Buzzfeed long before there was a Buzzfeed.

Face it, Rick. You got out-dumbed, out-crazied, and out-everythinged. The constant rightward shift of the Overton Window has essentially rendered you superfluous and redundant. You're not special anymore. You're barely an extremist. And the best part is, this means you're actually longing for the days when people cared so much about you they turned your name into a synonym for frothy shit. I can't thank Donald Trump for a lot of things, but I can thank him for that.

"We’ve created this complex, no responsibility regulatory system, where the federal government, the state government, a regional government, local and county governments are all pointing fingers at one another.” - Jeb Bush, explaining the real problem with what's happened in Flint.

You know what all these federal, state, and regional officials have in common? Here's a hint. It starts ith "R". And you know what actually caused the problem in Flint? Appointed, extragovernmental "emergency managers" appointed by Republicans to bypass regulations and democracy and find ways to cut budgets regardless of common sense or the public good.

But more importantly, Jeb, give the fuck up already. There is literally nothing else you can achieve in this campaign. You're already an afterthought and a punchline. You're living proof that there is a limit to the extent that unlimited campaign funds can buy elections for undeserving bland scions. You're done. Go home. You're not enjoying this, we're not enjoying this, nobody's enjoying this. Well, OK. I'm enjoying it a little. But even I'm not enjoying it as much as I thought I would. Yet another Jeb Bush failure.

"Giving away free stuff is very easy for politicians to do, but the simplest rule of economics is TANSTAAFL — there ain’t no such thing as a free lunch. Anything a politician gives you, he must first take from you. And so if you have the federal government mandate paid medical leave, what that ends up doing is driving up the cost of labor for low-income workers.” - Ted Cruz, continuing the fine Republican tradition of telling America's working poor they don't deserve anything nice and should just be lucky to have jobs they can't live off.

The thing about TANSTAAFL is that its truth is entirely dependent on frame of reference. For example, if I buy you lunch, there is such a thing as a free lunch. For you. Someone paid for it, yes, so the lunch wasn't free in an absolute sense, but in a localized sense, the lunch was free. So, yes, if the government mandates paid medical leave, some people will get "free stuff" and other people will pay for that free stuff. Welcome to society, and I'm sorry you're so surprised by how that works.

The biggest problem with Cruz' statement, other than using "free stuff" as a pejorative meaning "stuff poor and ethnic people want that I don't think they deserve", is that it's the latest in a line of dire, and ultimately wrong, predictions Republicans make to avoid helping anyone other than themselves. These predictions of lost jobs aren't worth the shit that they're covered in after being yanked out of politicians' asses.