Save Money, Make The Dinosaurs Gay

« January 2005 »

Memo to Creationists: YOU ARE DUMB, AGAIN, STILL, ALWAYS.

Thought you were gonna get away with just a theme week? Think again. Think for the first time ever, actually. That would be helpful. Maybe it'd keep the fight against the New Dark Ages from being more than one step forward, two steps back. We got the stickers off the textbooks in Georgia, in a win for Team Not Completely Retarded, but this Spring, in Kentucky, a museum will open that's gonna make Dinosaur Adventure Land* look like the Jet Propulsion Laboratory.

The Answers in Genesis Museum of Creation, in a bid to become the most oxymoronically-named institution in the nation, will be a $25 million natural history museum made up entirely of fake nature and fake history. Well, not ENTIRELY. There has to be room for three other vital elements of any rabid Christian institution. Gay-hate, heathen-blame, and a gift shop.

But first, the creationist nitty-gritty. Like Dinosaur Adventure Land before it, two big areas of this House of Bullshit will feature information on are why the Grand Canyon isn't really that old, and how dinosaurs co-existed with man. This will apparently involve making giant dinosaur models and putting statues of Jesus next to it, and making a big model of the Grand Canyon and putting a bunch of signs next to it saying "NOT THAT OLD" and "WASN'T THERE SOMETHING ABOUT A FLOOD?"

According to their website, there's a proposal for an exhibit that explains how "facts don't speak for themselves", which I think we'll all agree is a vital principle if you want to convince people that the Earth is six thousand years old. Or, more accurately, reinforce the belief of idiots who've been told since birth that if they don't think the Earth is 6,000 years old, they're going to burn in eternal hellfire. Which is not part of the museum's mission statement, but it might as well be. ACTUAL MISSION STATEMENT QUOTE TIME!

"Exalt Jesus Christ as Creator, Redeemer and Sustainer through a safe, wholesome, family-friendly center for learning and discovery that clearly presents major biblical themes from Genesis to Revelation. This center will equip Christians to better evangelize the lost with a sense of urgency, through a combination of exhibits, research and educational presentations that uphold the inerrancy of the Bible. This center will also challenge visitors to receive Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord and to accept the authority of the Bible by providing culturally relevant biblical and scientific answers from a biblical worldview.

It's an ABATTOIR FOR THOUGHT. Brains go in one end, and tiny chunks of cholesterol spray out the other, flying through the air, trying to land on a heathen and give him Christfeldt-Jakob Disease. And the mental Mrs. Lovett making neuron pies is Ken Ham, a man whose very name makes pigfucking jokes entirely superflous. He may have won that round, but how will Ham deal with the pickle that is ACTUAL QUOTE TIME?

"We want people to be confronted by the dinosaurs. It's going to be a first class experience. Visitors are going to be hit by the professionalism of this place. It is not going to be done in an amateurish way. We are making a statement." That statement? If you polish a turd shiny enough, you can get someone to buy it. I'd have said "polish a coprolite" there, but you can't make a coprolite in six thousand years. Not unless God spends his time going around pointing at turds and saying "YE BE STONE NOW". And if God did that, Kentucky would become an art installation.

So we've covered the stupidity, but I can hear you asking. What about the hate? Well, step right up, because this Ham comes with a heapin' helpin' of the ol' homoheathenhate. You see, the Creation Museum is FAMILY-FRIENDLY. Says so right there on the label. That's why they're including family-friendly exhibits like a recreation of Noah's Ark complete with the screams of drowning sinners, an exhibit demonstrating how AIDS is God's punishment for homosexuals, and one, I shit you not, on how the teaching of evolution led to the Columbine shootings..

You see, it is the position of Ham that Harris and Klebold killed 12 classmates, then themselves, because they believed in survival of the fittest. Two kids who COMMITTED SUICIDE did so because they believed in survival of the fittest. There's only one way to even remotely reason that so that it works, and that way carries with it the interesting correlation that Ken Ham does NOT believe in survival of the fittest, and ergo has NOT killed himself.

Those creationists. They've got their own tour guides, their own theme parks, their own "institutes", and now their own museum. At this rate, they should have their first solid, proven fact sometime around the year FOUR THOUSAND AND NEVER. Which is at least fifteen hundred and never years after they expect the Rapture, so I guess it doesn't matter.

*See Thanksgiving week, 2004 if you don't know.