Like A Clogged Toilet, The Shit Will Not In Fact Go Down

« April 2016 »

Memo to David Garrett Brown: WRONG, WRONG, AND WRONG.

Today's Men's Rights Monday is not strictly about the Men's Rights Movement. I mean, it could have been. There's an article that explains how a woman living alone or working in a call center are both telltale signs that she's a slut. But honestly, that one was trying too hard, and while I've mentioned it in the past, I've never really gone into detail about how the delusionaly, self-aggrandizing trash mindset of the Men's Rights Movement extends into hardcore conservaglibertarian politics.

Which is why I was so happy to see frequent Men's Rights Monday contributor David Garrett Brown's article on the three things one must do if Donald Trump is assassinated. Needless to say, those three things are not the correct three things: publicly frown on the use of violence to solve a political dispute, privately laugh, and corner the market on orange memorial wigs to sell to Trump followers in mourning.

But before we get to the three things, I want to take issue with the very opening premise, that "The danger of Donald J. Trump or his supporters being seriously injured or killed is very real.". That's not a thesis statement, that's the world's greatest goalpost collection. Assassinated OR badly wounded! Trump OR one of his supporters! Basically, anything from a rogue liberal shooting Donald Trump in the head to a guy wearing a Make America Great Again hat stubbing his toe in a Whole Foods is covered. Nicely done.

Premise the second, where such an event would prove that liberal thought leaders have no control over their violent liberal hordes, resulting in a state of "semi-anarchy". If you're not familiar with semi-anarchy, it's basically the first 20 minutes of either Purge movie, and is characterized by the general ignoring of "No Turn On Red" signs, full grocery carts in express lanes, and serial tinkle-sprinklers no longer obeying societal commands to be a sweetie and wipe the seatie. Definitely worthy of Brown's prepper-lite advice.

The first rule of writing is "know your audience". OK, technically, the first rule of writing is "put the letters together to form actual words and/or fake words whose meaning can be grokked from context", but "know your audience" is right up there. And when Brown's first piece of advice is to "Get a gun for self-defense", I can only assume that Return of Kings thinks the rules of writing are social justice warrior propaganda.

I mean, you're on a site that mixes the worst parts of right-wing politics and small-penis overcompensation. If you knew your audience, your advice would have been "Get a twelfth gun for self-defense because the eleven you have under your bed might not be enough when the SHIT GOES DOWN."

See, Brown believes that, having successfully killed Trump, the forces responsible will then start killing his followers, because, um... OK, I can't think of anything and he doesn't actually provide a reason. I mean, without Trump to follow, a Trump follower is just your basic asshole who won't shut up in the break room. Which, unfortunately, is not a capital offense, even in the midst of semi-anarchy.

His second piece of advice is to have two months of savings in your bank account, plus two months of emergency food supplies. Which is good advice no matter which paranoid fantasy has you believing society could collapse at any moment, so unless Brown is suggesting that people have a Trump assassination fund and bunker separate from your 2nd Amendment Overturn fund and bunker, your Obama Declares Himself God-Emperor fund and bunker, and your Caliphate Invasion fund and bunker, your existing fund and bunker should suffice and you don't need to order more survival seeds from Glenn Beck.

His third piece of advice, "Have social and political backup", which basically boils down to "Be Cliven Bundy, but not Cliven Bundy now, Cliven Bundy from a couple of years ago." That way, when the SHIT GOES DOWN, you know who else has twelve guns under the bed and a food-filled bunker and you can go and visit them and share Sam's Club Emergency Ration Kit cooking tips and fire warning shots at black people and immodest women until order is restored.

I leave you with this final quote, which I think, even with the ellipis shortening the gap twixt the two hilariously contradictory parts, really sums up the mindset at play here. Enjoy. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"People mistakenly believe that planning for political emergencies or disasters in your country is a sign of paranoia, not to mention outright psychosis... The real fear and mental illness comes from the SJWs trying to desperately shut down alternative viewpoints."