« January 2005 »

I know what you've all been thinking.

Whatever happened to Bad Idea Friday? Did it once, waited months, did it again, waited months. Well, your long national nightmare is over. It's Friday, there are some bad ideas out there, and now I've put them together in what I lovingly call... BAD IDEA FRIDAY.

"Apprentice: The Musical!" BAD FUCKING IDEA.

I mean, it's not like this doesn't have precedent. Anything that was popular once eventually gets turned into a bad musical, or gets talked about being turned into a bad musical. The Lion King. Billy Joel. Batman. A string of bloated, expensive corpses impaled on giant pikes up and down the Great White Way. Anything, The Musical! has NEVER been a good idea, except for Bat Boy, which I think we can all agree is the kind of artistic success that cannot be duplicated.

Turning your otherwise successful property into a Broadway show is not just a bad idea. It's THE bad idea. It's classic. Prototypical. Archetypal. It is the Bad Idea Big Bang, the first Bad Idea to crawl out of the primordial soup. When the cavemen danced around the Monolith, they were in early blocking rehearsals for "Zarathustra! On Ice!" But Donald Trump still wants to set his reality show to music.

Trump, known for being a bit delusional even at the best of times, managed to say the same things everyone about to make a horrible Broadway mistake always says, yet did not seem to realize he's not the first to say it and be proved tragically, awfully wrong. It's ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"It still needs to stand on its own legs. You can't just put the name 'Apprentice' on a Broadway marquee and think it's going to do well. People are too smart for that. I think if it's able to show the drama, the tension, in a way the love, the anxiety and all of the other things 'The Apprentice' shows, it's going to be a very big hit on Broadway." - Every single news report indicate that he said this with a completely straight face, and no discarded crack vials were found within a five foot radius of Trump. Which is especially impressive in New York City.

Even assuming they do manage to capture all the drama, tension, love, anxiety, and the other shit you people apparently watch "The Apprentice" for, it's STILL GONNA HAVE SONGS IN IT. And there ain't a lot that rhymes with Omarosa. BAD IDEA.

And speaking of shitty songs, and BAD IDEAS, it appears that many of our fine musical celebrities feel kind of bad about the couple of hundred thousand dead people from the tsunami, have decided to help out. Unofortunately, they've decided to help by recording an all-star, charity, cover version of Eric Clapton's "Tears In Heaven".

Now, "Tears in Heaven" is an awful song. Eric Clapton only got away with it because you can't really criticize a song a guy wrote about his dead baby son who fell off a skyscraper. When your baby son dies by falling off a skyscraper, you get a pass for writing any old maudlin bullshit you want. We don't have to like it, we don't have to listen to it, but we have to let him record it and sell it and, um, make a whole bunch of money off of it.

This same protection does NOT, I repeat NOT, extend to the likes of Elton John, Pink, Phil Collins, Steve Tyler, Rod Stewart, Gwen Stefani, Kelly Osbourne, or her bat-biting dad. When Ozzy Osbourne is belting out "Tears In Heaven", I don't care how big the disaster is. It's a BAD IDEA. You think you get a pass just because you're doing it for charity? Guess again.

Special BAD IDEA dispensation goes to two other names on the contributing-singer list: Robert Downey Jr., who isn't a singer, he just does drugs like he's one; and Josh Groban, who's such an all-star participant that I had to Google his ass. Turns out he's the kind of person who probably sings "Tears in Heaven" in the shower. They probably didn't even ask him to contribute, they were just recording one day and he walked by the studio window, and they decided to keep it.

Upon hearing of the charity song, the people of Southeast Asia rose up in unison and asked, politely, if we could just send another giant wave to finish the job instead.

And the worst part of the whole thing is, thanks to modern technology, they're all recording their bits separately, so no ironic natural disaster (or terrorist attack, or rogue web-columnist with a rocket launcher) can wipe THEM all out. For the stars involved, it's a GOOD IDEA. But for society, it's a BAD IDEA.