Who's In Your Wallet?

« April 2016 »

Memo to money-haters: YOU ARE SUPER DUMB AND WRONG.

The news that Harriet Tubman would be replacing Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill dropped yesterday, and is about as big a slam dunk as you can get. Andrew Jackson was a complete and utter bastard. Harriet Tubman was great. She was, by any reasonable, objective measure, better for America than Jackson was. If you pit the underground Railroad against the Trail of Tears, and you come out on the side of the Trail of Tears, well, you're a racist, insane, dumb, or some combination of the three.

For example, Ben Carson is at the very least insane and dumb. He went on Fox News, lauded Jackson for balancing the federal budget, and went on to say "In honor of that, we kick him off of the money. I love Harriet Tubman, I love what she did, but we can find another way to honor her.”

Carson went on to suggest we put Harriet Tubman on the $2. Nobody at Fox asked him who was on the $2 right now, which is a shame, because nobody knows. But if they'd looked it up like I did, they could have asked Ben Carson why he hates Thomas Jefferson so much. Anyway, the $2 is the currency equivalent of the back of the bus. And we're not kicking him off the currency because he balanced the budget. We're not even kicking him off the currency because he's genocide-adjacent. We're kicking him off the money because currency redesigns take a long time, and their previous correct assumption that nobody gave a shit about Alexander Hamilton stopped being a thing.

But for pure currency-based madness, it's time to delve into the cesspoool that is the USA Today comments section, where we find all the usual hilarious subjects, like Person Who's Gotta Inject Their Pet Issue Into Every Story:

"Why not caitlyn jenner? It is not full Female yet, I know IT still has balls and a DiK but IT got woman of the year for what reason I don't know. IT still has BALLS and a DiK. So why not IT?" - Rodney Wagoner, who clearly knows in great detail the parameters of what the USA Today comment system automatically checks for.

But why DiK around with garden-variety crazy when you can spend a great deal of time trying to unpack these simple four words from one "John Johnson": "No afros on currency."

I keep staring at this wondering if "afros" means the hair style, or is John Johnson's derogatory term for black people? It's literally a fucking coin flip. I could almost lose sleep over this, it's such a perfect conundrum. I mean, either way, the guy's a fuckhead, but which fuckhead is he? A total racist, or someone who would begrudgingly accept a bald black person on currency as a technicality? The world may never know.

I'd like to thank Dwayne Landry for perfectly summing up the white privilege version of the argument: "Quit trying to wipeout the history of this country and leave our money alone dammit." Obviously I don't need to go into the whole Tubman-history thing, but also, it's always great when traditionalists think the current version of a tradition is the way things have always been.

OK, let's wrap this up, first with a conspiracy theory, and then pseudo-intellectual cluelessness. The conspiracy theory comes from Jim Freeberg, who asks, "How much was Jack Lewis paid?"? Yes, the Secretary of the Treasury was clearly bribed by the wealthy Harriet Tubman estate to make this change. No other way it could have happened.

And finally, Jeff Felix, who tries to sound moderate and smart while being wrong in all the ways. ACTUAL FINAL QUOTE TIME!

"knock on Harriet. She had impact. Jackson and others served their country in war. That seems to require a fair amount of courage. The liberal PC rewrite of history continues."

First, I'm pretty sure running the Underground Railroad required as much courage, if not more, than any bullshit Andrew Jackson did, even if you discount how much of what Andrew Jackson did would now be categorized as "ethnic cleansing". But more importantly, as anyone who watches Drunk History, or even sober history, knows, Harriet Tubman did serve her country in war. There's a reason "political correctness" has that second word in the title, shitmonkey.