Bio Hazards, Part Four

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Memo to Return Of Kings: BY YOUR WORKS SHALL WE KNOW THEE.

One of the great things about Bio Hazards, the sub-category of Men's Rights Monday where I mock the incredibly mockable author bios of the Awful Offal over at Return of Kings, is that it's fun to find running themes. The other great thing, of course, is that it's super-easy after hectic weekends. But let's focus on the theme. Specifically, the awful mix of fringe websites and self-published PDF books that make up their collective body of shit outside of Return of Kings. Just the titles of these things are enough to evoke a clear picture of what passes for a soul amongst the litterati. For example:

We'll start with Matt Forney, author of "Donald Trump Vanquished His Enemies And Conquered The Republican Party" (Forney's incredible insight? Trump was more popular than the other candidates. That's half the article. The other half is how Trump will beat Hillary because Bernie Sanders. Return of Kings will literally publish anything a penis spits out). What's his bio?

"Matt Forney is a Chicago-based author, journalist and entrepreneur. He blogs at MattForney.com and is also on Twitter, SoundCloud, and YouTube. He is the author of Do the Philippines: How to Make Love to Filipino Girls in the Philippines and many other books, available here. Matt's work has also been featured at Reaxxion, Taki's Magazine, Right On, Alternative Right, and other sites."

I like that he had to explain the full meaning of "Do The Philippines". I mean, I suppose his target audience needs it spelled out. In fact, now that I think about it, maybe he should have called it "How To Travel To The Philippines And Put Your Non-Phili-penis Into Filipino Vaginas". Also, we've covered Taki's Magazine in previous Bio Hazards, but dear sweet fuckmonkeys, what a Goddamned horrorshow lineup of website names. I don't want to be part of any club that would have Forney as a member.

Next up, Relampago Furioso, who penned the charming "Why Anglo-American Women Are Terrible Financial Investments". (Short answer: they'll demand child support and she'll spend all your money by insisting on a life beyond a studio apartment and a motorcycle. I am not making this up.) Enjoy this bio, included in full for reasons that are about to become obvious.

"Relampago is the author of The New Modern Man blog. He is a former member of the mainstream media turned dissident. He enjoys striking at the Establishment using politically incorrect truths and electrifying SJWs with logic. He is now living the expat dream in the Caribbean and does not want to come back to The Matrix. Relampago also designs his own line of Politically Incorrect Merchandise and a Politically Incorrect Comics Series to challenge the narrative."

Just revel in the wankfest that is sentences two through four inclusive. Living an expat dream up his own ass, more like. Anyway, I appreciate the public service he's doing by selling "Politically Incorrect Merchandise", which I'm sure is a handy system for identifying garbage people before they get close enough to actually start a conversation with you, but "Politically Incorrect Comics"? I guarantee you that's a site full of things that dream, someday, of being found in a racist cop's e-mail account. But never, ever will be, because they'll never be disseminated that widely.

And finally, Winston Smith. Smith wants you to know the "5 Reasons You Should Never Date A Girl With Dyed Hair". Since I'm sure you want to know the reasons, I will let you know why that's a mistake, because I'll have to unpack some of them. "They're attention whores" (which refers to dyeing one's hair as "mutilating herself"), "They're impulsive" (which means they'll cheat on you), "They're ugly", "They're useless" (no woman with dyed hair could ever get a real job), and "They're degenerate leftists" (which posits that all women with dyed hair are leftists because only a lazy leftist would dye their hair). Here's his bio.

"Smith is the editor of Return Of Kings."

Can't say it any more plainly than that, can he?