Presumptive Derp

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Memo to Ted Cruz: SO CLOSE, BUT NOT QUITE.

The Republican primary is over, and it's time for Donald Trump to start pivoting from his irascible, say-anything primary persona to the more serious, presidential business persona. You know, the one all the pundits and Ben Carson say he has or will have. No evidence of that so far, but let's see how things are going for the Donald and a surprise entrant in a post-presumption IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

“Happy Cinco De Mayo! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. i love Hispanics!" - Donald trump, losing the election.

Now, keep in mind, he won't lose specifically because he said this, or specifically because he'll get in trouble over it. We've seen Trump shake off much more racist things than this, and even much more inaccurate things than his claim about the quality of Trump Tower Grill taco bowls. Although I'd love for a journalist or two to really find out if Trump believes that, because if he does, that may be his most suspect judgment yet.

No, the reason he's going to lose is that this tweet clearly demonstrates that he cannot stop himself from doing stupid shit like this. Nobody said to Donald that it might be a bad idea. Donald certainly didn't think it was a bad idea. He's got a problem with Hispanics? Tweet about tacos on Cinco de Mayo! Problem solved! Next! Wait, there's no tacos? All we have are cafeteria "taco bowls"? Works just as well! Let's go for it! This is how you end up with two different idiots saying they're in charge of your VP search, you know.

"As of yesterday it had 59,000 retweets. 59,000 retweets! That's almost got to be some kind of record. People loved it,I'm going to do great with Hispanics. I'm going to do fantastically because I'm bringing jobs back to America." - Donald Trump, continuing to lose the election.

Does Donald Trump actually think that retweets are a sign of approval? I mean, I know he uses Twitter by shouting short things to a couple of secretaries who tweet for him, but still. Nobody retweeted his taco bowl tweet because it was insightful. They retweeted it to mock it. He has to understand that, right? But that would mean that he's deliberately being ignorant about Twitter in the hopes of defending a Cinco de Mayo post about a goddamned cafeteria taco bowl. Which is madness.

Also, if the construction "almost got to be some kind of record" means anything at all, it doesn't mean a retweet record. It means maybe, generously, three percent of the only retweet record I could find with the amount of googling I was willing to do. Trump is a man who is gloriously unconcerned with being constantly wrong about everything. There's no way these thousands of paper cuts don't bleed his support dry by November.

“I launched this campaign intending to win. The reason we suspended our campaign was that with the Indiana loss, I felt there was no path to victory. If that changes, we will certainly respond accordingly.” Ted Cruz, with the always reality-grounded Glenn Beck.

That won't change, Ted. I know it, Glenn Beck knows it, and you know it. And two of those three people are deeply fucking stupid.

But sweet merciful fuckmonkeys, how addicted must Ted be to the attention he finally managed to scrape up by the end of his campaign if, after just one week, he's resorting to vague-ass pundit-bait like this just to get people to ask him about it? That's some deep pathos right there. We've been preparing your hole for months, Ted. Go crawl the fuck down it already.