You Will Regret Reading This

« May 2016 »


The magical horror of the Men's Rights Movement in general, and Return of Kings in particular, is that every time you think you've figured out the general range in which their awfulness lies, they shatter you expectations. And your spirit in the process. So imagine my shock when I clicked on an article thinking it would be a lame extension of the MRM's "Matrix" analogy, and found a completely awful short story by Return of Kings head dickhead, Roosh. Apparently, their already loose "we'll publish anything" policy gets even looser when their leader is involved.

How bad is it? Well, the fifth word in the story is "Hitler", and it's all downhill from there. The premise is a couple of, um, future space humans who are running simulations of Earth for some damn reason. I will spare you most of it because, well, I'm not going to read most of it. I read enough of it to realize that the story makes no goddamned sense and has no goddamned point.

Every few paragraphs, there's a weird, inconsistent shot at a political or pop culture figure. I say "inconsistent", because I'm familiar with both the rules of satire and the politics of Return of Kings, and I cannot make sense of future humans who use their simulation to put Barack Obama, Angela Merkel, David Cameron, and Benjamin Netanyahu on the side of evil (masquerading as good) and Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, Bashar-Al-Assad and "the Ayatollah" (which Ayatollah is not specified) are the forces of good.

I probably should have warned you about that ahead of time, but I'll warn you now. Do not run that equation through your puzzler for more than a few seconds. It will break your brain. And I need your brain intact, because I'm about to crush it.

I'm going to admit this right off the bat. When I go ahead and quote the paragraph I'm going to quote, I'm doing it for one reason, and one reason only. I read it. And now you have to read it too so that my sacrifice wasn't in vain, so you have to read it too. If, as Spider Robinson posited, shared pain is lessened, I may not wake up screaming all week as a result of this. If he's wrong, well, we can all scream together. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"'How about we go in the bedroom and build some civilization right now?' His wife kissed his horn and brushed her claw against his leathery face. Ghartek’s one-inch Futuran erection instantly formed and he rolled her into the bedroom for lovemaking."

Just think about that for one second. An actual person - a garbage person, but a person nonetheless - thought that paragraph was an important part of his narrative. He thought the work of fiction that contained it was worth posting on his blog, and then re-posting on his other blog. That was a thing that happened to an ostensibly grown ostensibly adult ostensible man. Something that would be more suitable for a 14-year-old geek's Trapper Keeper in 1987.

Eventually, a redneck named Jethro learns that he can break the simulation by watching porn on his toilet while he shits, which leads to the water hovering above the toilet bowl instead of flushing. That is the pivotal plot point and the answer to the story's title, "When Jethro Exposed The Computer Simulation We're All Living In".

For some reason, human simulated society ignores a YouTube video from a porn-loving shitkicker proving they live in a simulation, and thus society destroys itself through a nuclear war in the Middle East because we let the Muslims live in Sweden or something and praised the porn star Jethro was watching for fighting misogyny. Don't even ask. Having it make sense is not the point.

No, the point is that one of the leading lightweights of the Men's Rights Movement is someone who thought all of this was a good idea. And more specifically, thought ANY of this was a good idea. Nice to know that in addition to intellectually, ethically, and morally, the MRM is creatively bankrupt.