So Many Things Suck

« June 2016 »

Memo to Jimmy Johns, The Local Rag, and Bill Kristol: YOU SUCK.

So many things suck that it's difficult to even comprehend the scope of it. Luckily, the universe of suckage continues to provide handy examples that let us wrap our brains around small aspects of the overall sucking problem. For examples, see the following SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

Jimmy Johns Is why capitalism sucks. Apparently, Jimmy John's tried, tries, or is currently trying to get its sandwich makers to sign a non-compete clause preventing them from working for any other company that gets more than TEN PERCENT of its business from making deli sandwiches. The Illinois Attorney General is going after them, because apparently Jimmy Johns said it wouldn't enforce them the last time someone yelled about it and that may have been bullshit.

But whether they enforce them or not, whether they continue to use them or not, and whether employees in states with less aggressive attorneys general (you know, like Florida and Texas where friendly AG's quashed investigations into Trump U) is beside the point. What's not beside the point is that some asshole with an MBA from a party school and a bunch of ties that cost more than the sandwich makers earn in a month thought this idea was just spiffy, you know, to keep Subway from stealing all of Jimmy John's sandwich secrets like putting meat and condiments between bread. Fuckholes.

This headline from the Star Tribune, possibly courtesy of some wire service, is why journalism sucks: "After brutal primary battles, Clinton, Trump try to unify parties". Four million and two are both numbers bigger than one, but that doesn't make them equal. Trump's been the nominee for over a month. He's not trying to unite the party because of the grueling primary battle, he's trying to unify the party because he keeps saying stupid shit that is "too racist" for some members of the party he's trying to unify.

Meanwhile, Clinton had been trying to unify the party for like an hour and a half by the time this article was written. And calling either primary battle "brutal" is a stretch, but one featured an old woman arguing with an old man about who hated guns more and who liked banks more, and the other featured 16 assholes arguing over the relative size of Donald Trump's dick. I know which one was more brutal to listen to, at least. But nope! They're both just trying to unify their parties! Politics as usual! Nothing to see here! Fuckholes.

William Kristol is why "establishment' Republicans suck. Remember a couple weeks ago, when Bill Kristol was all "we totally have a candidate and he's got a real chance" and I was like "bring it on, this should be hilarious"? Well, the candidate was one of Kristol's National Review employees, one David French, and not only did French not want to run for President, apparently his boss Kristol didn't bother checking on what French wanted before he put his name up for a candidacy that could maybe if it tried really hard get on the ballot in 30 states.

This is why the Never Trump movement was such a fucking fizzle. Say what you like about Donald Trump, but he gets shit done. Or, you know, when it comes to stuff like donating money to veterans, just lies about having gotten shit done until someone bothers to check it out and then he gets it done real quick. Bill Kristol couldn't even pretend to have gotten shit done for a week before the whole thing fell apart like wet toilet paper in a hurricane. The fact that these ineffectual shitweasels somehow spent the last three decades carving a small self-sustaining empire out for themselves is one of the greatest condemnations of the last 30 years of Democratic politics. Fuckholes.