« June 2016 »

Memo to William Donohue, Larry Kasanoff, and Ken Paxton: YOU ARE DUMB.

A lot of good news in this week's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS. A lot of idiots reacting to that good news, of course, because otherwise there wouldn't be a column. And, for the first time in nearly four decades, a quote that has nothing to do with politics! Are you excited? I know I am.

“As a matter of fact, I want an apology from gays. I’ve been assaulted by gays. I’ve never assaulted a gay person in my entire life.” - William Donohoe, because "infallibility" is so 1970's.

William Donohue is, of course, the president of the Catholic League. He was responding to a comment by Pope Francis, who is, last time I checked, the king of all the Catholic Leagues, political, bowling, and otherwise. Pope Francis, responding to a reporter's question, said that the church owes an apology to a lot of people it's been shitty to over the centuries, including gay people. Which is just basic history and common sense, but since those are traits not commonly associated with popes, it was big news.

Needless to say, Donohue was fucking the shit out of that noise. And lying. Demagoguery and political activism against gay people may not meet the legal definition of assault, but it sure as hell meets the dictionary definition. And if this alleged assault on Donohue's person exists, it can't have been that serious, because I couldn't find any citations online. Not that it matters. What matters to me is that the president of the Catholic League has about as much reverence for the Pope's edicts now as a Catholic family with two kids and a box of Trojans hidden in the underwear drawer.

"Purely because the story we conceived is so big. This isn’t us splitting the last one of our eight movies in two to wring blood out of the stone. It’s just a big story.” - Larry Kasanoff, producer of what is now the Tetris movie trilogy, explaining why it is now the Tetris movie trilogy.

Let's get this out of the way right up front. There isn't going to be a Tetris movie trilogy. There's going to be a Tetris movie and then maybe a direct-to-video sequel and then nothing. So maybe get that big story about, I shit you not, "the theme of creating order out of chaos" down to a tight 92 minutes, because that way, when it bombs horribly and we hate-watch it off HBO ten months later, we at least get a proper ending out of it, if not a happy one.

Also, you're making a Tetris movie, and you're going to take a shot at Harry Potter? The specific number rules out your Hunger Gameses and your Maze Runners. I'm not going to leap to the defense of Harry Potter as great art, but they made eight movies out of seven books, which is a perfectly reasonable ratio. You're making three movies out of aa video game so small you'd need over 1,000 Tetris Game Boy cartridges to store a single frame of it. So, you know. Eat a bag of L pieces.

"HB2 was an effort to improve minimum safety standards and ensure capable care for Texas women. It’s exceedingly unfortunate that the court has taken the ability to protect women’s health out of the hands of Texas citizens and their duly-elected representatives." - Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, sore loser and liar.

Buck up, Ken. Your bullshit law has already caused irrevocable damage to Texas' abortion infrastructure. You don't have to lie about the intent anymore! The law's been struck down by the Supreme Court, you got what you wanted, and the only real losers are the assholes in the other states who hadn't quite gotten as far as you had ruining the lives of women in their state and have to stop now because of a Supreme Court ruling. And not a shitty 4-4 tie ruling, either.

But we all know it wasn't about women's health. At least seven of the justices knew that, too. The five that voted against you, plus Thomas and Alito, who didn't let the facts get in the way of a chance to vote against The Devil's Own Birth Control. You're as credible as Anthony Wiener saying he was just soliciting urological opinions. Nobody is buying your shit, and it's not like you even need to keep up appearances at this point. Just go full Trump and tell everyone what you're doing and all the people who agree with you will still agree with you. Subterfuge is so 2014.