Another Word For "Rooster"

« January 2005 »

Memo to Frank Shurden, Steve Cooley, and Juan Alvarez: YOU ARE DUMB.

Pointing out stupidity and laughing at (or near) it is not a unique or original calling. There are whole industries and infrastructures devoted to this. Because I know this, I try to be fast, different, or both - and if I can't manage that, I'll usuallyi pass on a particular subject. But sometimes, even though you know everyone else is going to cue on the exact same things you are, the calling is too glorious to resist. And that, my friends, is the case with Oklahoma State Senator Frank Shurden.

Shurden, as I presume you're well aware by now, wants to reintroduce cockfighting to Oklahoma. Steve Shurden loves cock. And loves to see hot cock-on-cock action. But his ability to sit in a room with dozens of other men and watch a pair of perfectly matched cocks going at it has been hampered by busybodies who have decided that the cocks, and their cock ring, shouldn't be allowed in Oklahoma because it's sick and unnatural.

Google's gonna love that fucking paragraph.

To appease animal-rights activists who are understandably concerned about a blood-sport in which chickens with razor-blades attached to their feet fight to the death for the amusement of Oklahoma rednecks without access to Internet porn, Shurden has come up with a creative solution - replace the razor blades with little boxing gloves for the cocks.

By the way, cockfighting has been illegal in Oclahoma for... almost three whole years now, and according to Shurden, was a $100 million (presumably per year) business. You would think, if Oklahomans had $100 million a year to spend on cockfighting, they could buy a whole lot of other entertainment to replace it, but apparently not. Even with a hundred million bucks in your pocket, there's nothing better to do in Oklahoma.

In addition to the boxing gloves, the chickens would wear, get this, electronic vests. The gloves and vests would have sensors in them, and would electronically keep score for the bout. So, essentially, an Oklahoma lawmaker has spent his time and effort developing LAZER TAG FOR CHICKENS. I guarantee he hasn't done one bit of research into whether chickens WANT to play Lazer Tag. We already know humans don't, of course, but chickens are even dumber than eight-year-olds, so who knows? It's ACTUAL BAWK TIME!

"It's like the fencing that you see on the Olympics, you know, where they have little balls on the ends of the swords and the fencers wear vests. That's the same application that would be applied to the roosters." - Man, Oklahomans must think little balls solve EVERYTHING. They keep re-electing Jim Inhofe, after all. Bonus points to Shurden for realizing that "applications" are "applied" to things. Nice sentence construction for a guy who loves watching birds bleed to death.

Quite possibly the central tenet of You Are Dumb Dot Net is that we have to point out and criticize the stupid people because they ruin things for the rest of us. And that lesson was rarely more apparent than in California on Wednesday, when Juan Alvarez decided to kill himself. Which would be fine in and of itself, but his methods left a lot to be desired.

On the off chance you just came out of a mine shaft, Alvarez decided to kill himself by getting hit by a train. In his SUV, which he parked on the tracks. Which he then got out of, having apparently changed his mind. Two trains derailed, eleven people died, and hundreds of people's lives were messed up because one idiot couldn't find a tall building, a bridge, or some bleach. He is dumb. He is also in custody.

Reports from Thursday indicate that Los Angeles County District Attorney Steve Cooley will, get this, seek the DEATH PENALTY for Alvarez, who's charged with eleven counts of murder as a result of his FAILED SUICIDE ATTEMPT. You see what I'm getting at here. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"He's not going to engage my sympathy because he was despondent. His despondency doesn't move me." This is what happens when "tough on crime" rhetoric gets out of hand. Regardless of the circumstances, they're gonna send this guy to the gas chamber, giving him what he wanted in the first place. What's next, punishing bank robbers by giving them sacks of cash? Lunacy! Even assuming the pro-execution folks are generally right, and the death penalty acts as a deterrent, it's not gonna deter SUICIDAL PEOPLE. If anything, it'll encourage them. Want a nice, quiet gas-chamber death at state expense? Thanks to Steve Cooley, now you know what to do.