« July 2016 »

Memo to my vice-presidential hopes, Donald Trump Jr., and Donald Trump: YOU ARE DUMB.

Politics! You can't escape it. Well, you probably could escape it, if you didn't have an RSS feed full of stories about politics and have MSNBC on in the background and pay attention to politics all the time and write stuff about politics every goddamn day. SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

I've waited a whole week to mention Tim Kaine, Hillary Clinton's vice-presidential pick. There are two reasons for this. First, the Clinton-Kaine logo designers are smart and didn't make a couple of shapes that look like FU near the C and the K. And second, well, Tim Kaine. The Tim Kaine wasn't meant to excite me It wasn't meant to excite anyone. In his acceptance speech, Kaine asked the audience's permission to go into his next bit so many times he sounded like a frat-bro "parody" of affirmative consent.

The Tim Kaine pick exists not to excite, but to calm. Specifically, to calm old white dudes who aren't comfortable with Donald Trump but also aren't comfortable with women in charge. It's good tactics, so I accept it, even though ideologically it makes me fucking squirm. You know, the same way the DNC's constant invocations of patriotism and American default greatness makes me squirm. My vote's locked in. I've stopped being the audience.

in relative distance between apple and tree news, Donald Trump Jr. thought he'd be clever, and made the world laugh. Not the way he intended, of course, because his name is Donald Trump, Jr. See, he accused Obama of plagiarizing the line "This is not the America I know" from Trump Jr.'s RNC speech. This, of course was his attempt to show how ridiculous the now-proven claims that Melania Trump's speech contained a couple of swiped paragraphs from Michelle Obama. Get it?

If you think that's clever, wait until February, when Trump Jr. becomes the first person ever to ask why there isn't a White History Month. It took less than ten seconds for even the most flipper-handed political pundits and journalists to find evidence that, were that not a perfectly common phrase, Trump Jr. would have to admit he plagiarized it from Dubya. And nobody wants to admit that. Not even someone who lives his entire life with the nameshame that is "Donald Trump Jr."

And finally, kudos to Donald Trump for finding another thing to unexpectedly ruin. The Reddit AMA, which, of course, means Ask Me Anything. Now, AMA's aren't AMAAIACAH's. You can ask anything, but that doesn't mean the person has to answer completely and honestly. But you can still ask them anything. Donald Trump's AMA was held in an alt-right pro-Trump subreddit, and a handful of pre-vetted pro-Trump supporters were allowed to ask softball questions that Trump answered with cut-and-paste snippets of nothingness from stump speeches or possibly a TRUMP version of ELIZA.

How bad was Trump's AMA? A question about net neutrality from Milo Nanopenis, The Worst Person On The Internet, wasn't enough to make the cut. I mean, net neutrality is obviously a big deal for Nanopenis because he probably thinks it means Twitter shouldn't be allowed to (belatedly) ban him for being the worst, but still. If Nanopenis isn't sexist, racist, and conservative enough to participate in a Donald Trump A Few Of You Can Ask Me A Couple Of Things on Reddit, none of us are safe.