Textual Assault

« August 2016 »

Memo to Bob Smith: WAIT, WHAT?

Here at You Are Dumb Dot Net's Men's Rights Monday, it's important to remember that as bad as Men's Rights Activists are as human beings, they are frequently as bad, if not worse, as writers. OK, "if not worse" is an exaggeration. You can't be worse than the worst. And they are, for reasons explored on previous Mondays, the worst people.

I mean, before deciding on the pile of festering excised ferret musk glands that is the main topic of today's column, I skipped a petulant treatise on how it doesn't matter how many women win gold medals at the Olympics, they will always be TOTALLY INFERIOR TO MEN IN ATHLETICS BECAUSE GENETICS. And another charmer about how society's masculinity is being crushed by "harridans" and "succubi". Turns out they both crush masculinity by not letting dudes get to fuck whoever they want - the former by being prudish, the latter by believing women should be in control of their own sex lives. Keep denying you're pro-rape, guys. I'm sure that'll matter more than all the times you say how much women's sexual autonomy is ruining your lives.

Oh, and one guy lauded Johnny Depp's "From Hell" as one of ten great manmovies. I'm just gonna let that one sit there so you can laugh at it. You're welcome.

But today we're here to talk about Bob Smith, with another of those patented Return of Kings listesticles. Here we are exploring ten whole things. These things? Words or phrases. And what do these words or phrases do? Well, girls, by habitually using these words or phrases, prove they are mindless robots.

Would you like to know how these words and phrases prove that? The means by which these phrases demonstrate the thesis? Well, get in line, because so the fuck would I. There's no thesis at the front. The summation at the end, which we'll get to shortly, does not actually prove the claim made in the headline. The ten words or phrases are just common expressions, which he presents with vague guidance about pronunciation that he thinks is funny and occasionally contexts for use that he also thinks is funny. I will spare you all of them because they will not help you and his attempts at typing out Stereotypical Airhead Dialect Circa 1994 will make your brain puke snot out of your butt.

I will provide the list of phrases just so you can see the full spectrum of banality for yourself. Amazing. Oh my god. So good. Thank you. Like. Really. Right. Cute. Awesome. And, of course, "No." Because classy.

As mentioned, Smith's failure to make his point is so far beyond epic, it's legendary. Instead, he finishes his article by claiming women use these phrases to distract you from evidence she's cheating on you. What kind of evidence? Oh, you know. Obvious stuff. Like her snapping you with a towel when she's never done that before. She totally must have learned that from some other guy she's been fucking. Also on the list of evidence - learning a new card game.

See, that's my favorite thing about these articles Bob Smith spends the entire ass-end of his article bragging about his unsinkable, titanic dick. If a woman cheats on him, who cares? He can just go down to a bar, lie to a woman about getting rich, and get her into bed. But we can all see the iceberg in the room - the nine-tenths of a huge insecurity that hides just beneath the surface. A new card game, for fuck's sake!

At the end of the day, that's the Men's Rights Movement in a nutshell. Taking a page out of the right-wing playbook, they're trying to create an alternate version of reality where they're not unlikeable, unlovable monsters. But unlike their right-wing counterparts, they can't even manage to convince themselves of it consistently. They have mirrors, they have the evidence of their lives, and they know they're garbage, and that all the Axe Body Spray in the world can't quite mask the smell.