The Secrets From The Ooze

« October 2016 »

Sometimes, in order to understand the life forms that crawled from the primordial ooze, it's helpful to occasionally dip a toe back in that ooze and take its temperature. So today, IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS returns to the deep fever swamps that emitted Donald Trump like a giant orange Legion of Doom headquarters.

"This is Hillary's October surprise. Julian Assange is a Hillary butt plug." - Donald Trump's favorite radio host, Alex Jones.

Alex Jones is upset and dropping anal references because Wikileaks, run by Julian Assange, held a press conference that promised major revelations about Hillary Clinton, and then all the wingnuts stayed up until three in the morning because time zones and the press conference turned out to be a Trumpian one-hour bait-and-switch infomercial with no Hillary Clinton revelations. Oops.

Now, while I appreciate a Wikileaks-type organization in principle, and I certainly appreciate their inconveniencing and angering a large group of people who desperately deserve inconveniencing on the regular, but when we get into the specifics, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with yet another unaccountable player fucking with our politics. There's too many of those as it is.

"I could have taken and put Donald Trump in that float and had Hillary pull the handle. Nevertheless, I would have never pleased everybody. It definitely was all for laughter." - Iowan and asshole Frank Linkemeyer, lying.

The thing Linkemeyer is talking about is his float in an Aurora Lion's Club parade which also included Trump campaign signs, Trump campaign slogans, and an Easter Island head painted black and labeled Obama. Because what's more all for laughter than that?

So with all that, you're going to sit here and claim that he could have switched the roles on his float? Cracker, please. America's resident shithead community need to realize that just because you can't please everybody doesn't excuse you when actively anger nearly everybody by being horrible. You know who else couldn't please everybody? Hitler. I know it doesn't seem that way because he pleased YOU, but trust me, a lot of people are still upset with him.

"Trump sniffing may have been a sign of the Holy Spirit coming out of him.The Holy Spirit affects people in strange ways. Some people go into a frenzy, some people start laughing uncontrollably, some people bark like dogs. Apparently, Trump sniffs." - Pat Robertson, because why the fuck not?

This is just here for nostalgia, honestly. Over the many years of You Are Dumb Dot Net, Pat Robertson has used all manner of theological jiggery-pokery to justify all manner of world events, from weather to wars to terrorist attacks to the individual ailments of his congregation. It's a classic.

But in all that time, I've never seen a Pat Robertson quote that, in my heart of hearts, I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, he absolutely 100% did not believe. But this? There's absolutely no fucking way. You know there's like a dozen takes of this where he couldn't make it all the way though. They probably had to stitch it together around his wheezing, uncontrollable laughter. Holy Spirit Sniffles, Batman!