« October 2016 »

Memo to Pat McRory, Melania Trump, and John McCain: YOU ARE LOSERS.

Or, to put it in a dialect you're more familiar with, "loozahs". And my fervent hope is that come mid-November, every last one of you is an even bigger loser. Two of you because you've lost your jobs, and one of you because you're stuck keeping it. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"I wish they would have saved their money and not spent it on a ridiculous political propaganda and maybe would’ve donated that money to a lot of the homeless people that we have right now that are flooded out of their homes over about a 600 square mile area of North Carolina... This is not a time for those types of foolish politics nor a time for this type of violence trying to impact our democratic system." - Soon to be former North Carolina governor Pat McRory.

McRory was overreacting to a political ad featuring a rainbow cake, the slogan "HB 2 U", and a statement saying that while McRory should have a happy birthday, the rest of North Carolina will be happier once his LGBT-hating sorry stupid ass is far, far away from North Carolina's governor's office. They said it nicer than I did, of course.

And of course, even if they'd said it exactly as not nice as I had, it would still have been a real dick move for a man spending millions of dollars on his own re-election to suggest that his opponents taking out an ad means they don't care about flood victims. Or conflate them INCREDIBLY CLUMSILY with the as-yet-uncaught people who carved a backwards B into a Trump supporter's face... oops. Sorry. I mean firebombed a North Carolina Republican office. Not sure why I got those mixed up.

"They're asking for it. They started. They started from the — from the beginning of the campaign putting my — my picture from modeling days. That was my modeling days and I'm proud what I did. I worked very hard.” - Melania Trump, standing by her man.

Now, I'm not going to assume Melania Trump is stupid because she speaks funny. Unlike some people, I don't expect immigrants to assimilate and speak perfect English in the first 20 years they're here. No, she's stupid because she married Donald Trump, and so far, there's been no reports or evidence that she's fucking a bunch of attractive, intelligent dudes on the side.

Oh, and because somehow, she thought it would be a great idea, when discussing allegations of sexual assault, to use as an excuse that "They're asking for it." Sure, she meant the Clintons, not the victims, and sure, the thing about her being attacked for being a model isn't something anyone else remembers happening. Not saying it didn't happen, just that if it did, it was such an incredibly minor incident in this bag-of-shit-fire of an election that nobody cares.

"I promise you that we will be united against any Supreme Court nominee that Hillary Clinton, if she were president, would put up." - Hopefully soon to be former senator John McCain, trying to have it both ways twice.

See, John McCain, having finally shed that pesky "principled maverick" image he spent a decade or more cultivating in favor of his new "completely random batshit maverick" image, doesn't want to vote for Donald Trump because he's up for re-election in a state that's gradually swinging to Hillary Clinton despite being FUCKING ARIZONA. But he doesn't want Republicans to be mad at him about it, so he promised that the biggest thing they worry about with a Clinton presidency won't happen, because they'll just let the Supreme Court decline in numbers for the next four to eight years.

But remember, McCain wants it both ways twice. Because after everyone got mad at him for what was a blatant, intentional promise of blanket obstructionism, his spokesman tried to spin it that McCain knows it'd be impossible for Hillary Clinton to not nominate someone so liberal Republicans would have no choice but to obstruct them. Which is true, but only because she could nominate the reanimated corpse of Antonin Scalia and they'd still find a condescending thing he said about minorities as evidence of liberal sympathies. So if Arizona would be so kind as to end John McCain's career on the saddest, most ignominious note possible, I may almost forgive you for Arpaio.