Ending On A High Note

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Memo to 2016: GET PUNCHED IN THE DICK UNTIL YOU EXPLODE AND DIE.

Fuck anyone who tells you different. Calling this year a dumpster fire is an insult to dumpster fires, which at least provide light and heat. Traditionally, I name a Dumbass Of The Year, but let's face it, the year was the dumbass of the year. SUPER CATCHUP RECAP FRIDAY!

While I'm receptive to data that would show me otherwise, the general impression that 2016 was a celebrity serial killer isn't just based on numbers. It's also based on their age (relatively young across the board) and their iconic level. I mean, I don't even have a particularly strong connection to Prince, or Bowie, or Michael, or most of the others beyond Carrie Fisher, and even I felt the cumulative weight of it. It might be anecdotal, but I'd bet money there's data to back up the tragedy.


and, of course, the election. We don't need to revisit that at length. We'll be revisiting it for the next four years. But there's no denying that we, as a country, decided to find out, definitively, exactly how much damage a single president can do. And all thanks to months of false equivalency between hacked campaign e-mails and sexual assault. And the best part? Most of the people responsible for Trump's victory won't be the ones suffering the worst because of it. AMERICAN EXCEPTIONALISM!


2016 also brought us both Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice and Suicide Squad, which somehow managed to turn a year of superhero movies that included Deadpool, Civil War, and Doctor Strange into a zero-sum quality game. The DC Cinematic Universe is such a goddamned mess that if Wonder Woman manages to rise to the level of a medicore X-Men movie (like, say, The Wolverine) it'll be a fucking miracle. People shit on the Marvel movies for not being art, but at least they've mastered basic fundamental narrative competence.


Cops got away with murdering a LOT of black people. We all know it.


And of course, as bad as we've had it, at least we didn't live in Syria, or try to leave Syria and ask for help from countries full of racist, sociopathic asshats.


But seriously, that fucking election.


And that's just the lowlights. That doesn't include global warming, the increasing chance that we won't do a goddamned thing about global warming, mass shootings, Collateral Beauty, various personal tragedies and losses we all experienced, the continued pushing of Roman Reigns, the mainstreaming of white nationalism, everything Martin Shkreli said and did, my continued failure to understand the appeal of Westworld, and the North Carolina Republican Party redefining "wretched hive of scum and villainy". Oh, and let's not forget that the odds are high that 2017's gonna be worse. I'd tell 2016 to die in a fire, but it would just remind us that one of 2016's biggest tragedies was a few dozen people dying in a fire. HAPPY NEW YEAR!