Nobody Wants To See That

« January 2017 »

Memo to "Slaw" and the Trump Inauguration: YOU ARE DUMB.

Short one this week. I culled the research pile aggressively and there wasn't a lot of short fodder left for SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY. Luckily, that means a consistent theme for this week: unwatchable shit full of has-beens.

There are headlines that chill the blood for obvious reasons, like headlines about the GOP's plan to roll a Planned Parenthood defund into the Obamacare repeal in what they should be calling the NO SERIOUSLY WE WANT YOU ALL TO DIE ACT. But then you see "Pro-wrestling legend Kevin Nash is starring in food-themed Saw parody Slaw" and you know the human race hasn't even come close to rock bottom yet.

It's apparently been in the can for a year, but is being held to coincide with the release of the next Saw movie, which I did not know was a thing and did not need to know was a thing but now I know is a thing and honestly, that's another crime I can lay at "Slaw"'s feet. Not that I need to. It's a foodie parody of Saw starring at least three pro wrestlers, one of whom I know can't act and one, Luke Gallows, who's spent his first year in WWE proving that it's a bad idea for him to try to be funny. Luckily, this is the kind of thing even Netflix won't touch, so the odds of anyone even seeing it by accident are slim. But you should be vigilant, just in case.

Speaking of things nobody wants to be in or watch unless they're sad and desperate, one of the few pure, fleeting joys of Trump's America is watching his inauguration plans go completely bugfuck as the entire universe, with a few exceptions, refuses to show up for it. And even amongst those exceptions, the Rockettes and the Talladega Marching Tornadoes went out of their way to reassure everyone that participation wasn't mandatory (in the case of the Rockettes, prompted largely by memories of Trump's behavior in beauty pageant dressing rooms) and apolitical (in the case of the historically black college marching band).

But the schadenfreude is made all the sweeter by watching the backflips they're going through to pretend like this isn't a huge blow to their collective egos. Donald Trump is in the position of having to pretend he doesn't care if celebrities like him or not, for fuck's sake. That's about as plausible as Elton John denouncing glasses. And transition communication director Boris Epshteyn told CNN "this isn't Woodstock", because yes, most of these motherfuckers think they're still fighting hippies. SAD!