All Kinds Of Sessions

« January 2017 »

Memo to Lindsay Graham, Kellyanne Conway, and Possibly Donald Trump: HOLY SHIT.

In the many years that IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS has been a part of this column, the word "DAMNDEST" may have lost some of its meaning for you. Be aware that today's edition really speaks to the original intent of the word. This is some next-level unprecedented shit. I mean it.

"We’re about to get an answer to the age-old question: Can you get confirmed attorney general of the United States over the objection of 1,400 law professors. I don’t now what the betting line is in Vegas, but I like your chances." - Lindsay Graham, perfectly encapsulating everything that's wrong with everything.

The reason 1,400 law professors, from every state in the US that has law schools, gave their objections to the Senate considering Jeff Sessions' nomination to Attorney General, is that, as professors in law schools, they know what's involved in being the top lawyer in America, and they think Jeff Sessions would be awful at the job.

And Lindsay Graham, who, I might point out, has occasionally been lauded for his occasional pushback against Trumpism, took one look at that and said "ha ha fuck you eggheads I don't need your egghead shit I'ma do what I want", also known as the official slogan of post-millenial American politics. I mean, it's Graham, so there's an implied "my stars and garters" in there somewhere too, but that's the gist of it.

"You can’t give him the benefit of the doubt on this? And he’s telling you what was in his heart. You always want to go by what comes out of his mouth rather than look at what’s in his heart." - Kellyanne Conway, who, at this rate, will sound like a complete aphasic in six months.

Most of the reports I read on this quote focused on the idea that Conway told us not to focus on what trump SAYS, but what's in his HEART, which, to be fair, would be a bonkers thing for a person to say, especially about a president-elect who'd spent his morning calling Meryl Streep "overrated" because she told the truth about him lying about him mocking a disabled reporter, which we all know he did because we watched him do it. But that's not what she said.

No, what she said was, we should focus on what's in his heart, not what he says, and we know what's in his heart because HE'S TELLING US. With words. That come out of his mouth. Which, as rhetorical gymnastics go, is essentially non-Euclidian. Hitler had a Goebbels, but Trump has a Ms. Mxyzptlk.*

"According to Source D, where s/he had been present, TRUMP's (perverted) conduct in Moscow included hiring the presidential suite of the Ritz Carlton Hotel, where he knew President and Mrs OBAMA (whom he hated) had stayed on one of their official trips to Russia, and defiling the bed where they had slept by employing a number of prostitutes to perform a 'golden showers' (urination) show in front of him." - An unverified intelligence dossier

Whether or not this is true, this is the craziesf fucking thing I've ever seen in politics. Like, by a long shot. And IF it's true, be advised that it's not bad because he hired hookers, and it's not bad because he paid them for pee stuff, it's bad because Trump thought that was an appropriate response to being in a place where Barack Obama slept - that black people cooties can apparently survive months of laundry but are helpless against the mighty power of hooker piss.

And frankly, I think it's relatively harmless, and certainly a lot of fun, to go about your life believing that it's true until evidence proving otherwise comes to light. Because if someone made that shit up, I commend them on their skill, because it's simultaneously so bizarre that nobody could have predicted it AND perfectly fitting what we know of Trump's psyche so that once we've heard it, it makes a great deal of sense. Kudos to the dossier writer if that's the case.

*Did I spell it right on the first try without Googling? Admitting it either way would disappoint half of you.