Grabbin' At Straws

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Memo to Scott Baio, Paul LePage, and Betsy DeVos: YOU ARE DUMB.

T minus two days and counting, and we all know what the T stands for. And since at this point, our only salvation lies in the new administration and its allies being more incompetent than evil, let's focus on some breathtaking incompetence in this week's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"He’s just a guy. He grabs you. Holds you. He puts his arm around you. Talks like people talk. It’s like talking to a guy at a restaurant or a bar or the cigar store I go to.” - Scott Baio on Donald Trump.

It's a bit hacky, especially in 2017, to read repressed homoerotic subtext into a mere statement of admiration between two men. Even if that admiration is for how the man in question grabs you and holds you and talks to you like you'd talk to him in a bar. A bar where lots of men hang around and talk. And even when the individual goes out of their way to make reference to orally inserted phallic objects for seemingly no narratively compelling reason whatsoever. So I won't. I've been told that it's Chachi Loves Joanie, and not Chachi Loves Steve, and I take him at his word.

Unfortunately, if we assume that Scott Baio is straight, that means the only other logical interpretation of his sentiment is that he likes Donald Trump because he connects with him on the basic, fundamental level of sexual assault. I mean, that's what he's referring to in nearly every chunk of his rant to Variety. He grabs you. He talks like guys talk. You know, in restaurants, or bars, or, I assume, locker rooms. And if you think THAT's a stretch, then, at a bare minimum, Scott Baio is so fucking stupid he lacks the basic ability to understand how "he grabs you" would sound in reference to Trump.

"How ‘bout John Lewis last week, criticizing the president? I will just say this. John Lewis oughta look at history. It was Abraham Lincoln that freed the slaves. It was Rutherford B. Hayes and Ulysses S. Grant that fought against Jim Crow laws. A simple 'thank you' would suffice.” - Maine Governor Paul LePage, who is a known and established insane racist.

I think John Lewis is probably fairly adept at recognizing the kinds of people who beat him, hosed him down with water cannons, and segregated him for much of his life. And since he, you know, lived through the time when it happened, he watched those people migrate from the Democratic Party to the Republican Party as a direct result of the Civil Rights Act he got beaten and water cannoned to pass. You're the party of Lincoln, but you're the soul of Wallace.

But since you want a simple thank you, LePage, allow me. Thank you, Paul LePage, for being so racist you kept a private binder full of drug dealers arrested in Maine, and then being so much more racist that you didn't even count the number of minorities in it right and just made up a number that gave yourself a little racist boner. Those of us who still pay attention to reality know exactly how much credence to give your thoughts on race relations.

"I will refer back to Senator Enzi and the school he was talking about in Wyoming … I would imagine that there is probably a gun in the schools to protect from potential grizzlies." - Education Secretary nominee Betsy DeVos, a title, by the way, that is semantically identical to "Japanese Minister of Power Plants Nomineee Godzilla".

The best part is not, as you may think, that this was Betsy DeVos' justification for saying maybe we should have guns in schools. Grizzly bear attacks. The best part was not that this was a thing she actually said to a bunch of people, over half of whom are going to now have to ignore how fucking stupid that answer was in order to prove their party fealty. No, the best part is, that was probably the high point of her performance last night.

Because every clip I've seen makes it painfully clear that not only does Betsy DeVos know nothing about public education that doesn't stem from her lifelong quest to abolish it, she's startlingly bad at providing the kind of bland confirmation hearing answers that would, while being complete bullshit, at least lighten the burden on the last lingering shreds of conscience clung to by a handful of Republican senators. She's not only going to be shitty at her new job, she's startlingly shitty at the job she has RIGHT NOW.