« February 2017 »

Memo to Sean Spicer, Michael Flynn, and Donald Trump: YOU ARE DUMB.

Having spent several days wrestling with one or more viruses, I feel like I'm rested and ready to deal with the quirks and vagaries of even dumber life forms. The news moves way too fast these days for me even when I'm healthy, but let's talk Flynn, or at least some of what we know about Flynn's fall from, well, whatever version of "grace" means "standing on top of a pile of shit instead of being buried under it". IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"The Department of Justice didn't notify the White House or the White House counsel at that time in the transition phase until 13 days later. We were making statements based on what General Flynn was telling us starting on Jan. 13th. The vice president went out on the 15th, right? They didn't notify the White House counsel's office until Jan. 26th." - White House press secretary Thickneck Gumgut.

There is a glory to their incompetence. Now, I'll cut Sean Spicer a little bit of slack here. Even under the best of circumstances, when given basic information about meetings and schedules, Spicer can barely manage to make sense. So when tasked with answering the question of why, for example, an already disgraced general got to head up national security for nearly a month after the DOJ you're criticizing told you Flynn could be blackmailed by the Russians, Spicer was lucky to get verbs out.

Plus, Spicer's gotta fucking know he's next. And not only is his resume in sorry shape, everyone's going to wonder why he didn't list "Tammy" on it. Also, if you're wondering where the DOJ was, maybe you shouldn't have fired the acting attorney general who warned you about Flynn because she refused to defend a case you lost so fast it wouldn't have mattered whether she defended it or not. You're awful at your jobs, you're awful at coverups, and your grossly-negligent incompetence will save us all.

“I am tendering my resignation, honored to have served our nation and the American people in such a distinguished way." - Currently Unemployed Michael Flynn, in his resignation letter.

Motherfucker, you wish. Literally your entire experience with the American Peepul since your ass got fired by Obama for being a dick is this: "Yeah, lock her up for being a security risk!" "Muslims are a cancer!" "Hey, Russia, don't worry, we'll take care of those sanctions for you!" "Um, I quit." That's distinguished, sure. Distinguished from competence. Distinguished from the usual tenure of a National Security Advisor by being around 3% of it. But not, you know. Distinguished.

Also, "honored" and "subpoenaed" are not synonyms. You may in fact get to learn that soon.

"The real story here is why are there so many illegal leaks coming out of Washington? Will these leaks be happening as I deal on N.Korea etc?" - Steve Bannon's little bitch, Donald Trump, on Twitter.

This isn't a mystery, Mussoweenie. This isn't even a Scooby Doo-level mystery where they pull of the Hitler mask and it's your bloated orange gob underneath trying to annex Poland's abandoned amusement park. And despite the news you may have heard this week, it's not because Trump is treating foreign policy like it's a fucking Mar A Lago floor show for anyone lucky enough to have one if its $200,000 ($100,000 if you got in before the totally-not-for-profit presidency!) memberships.

No, it's because, with the exception of your inner circle, EVERYONE AROUND YOU HATES YOU AND WANTS TO SEE YOU BURN. So every time you fuck up in front of them, they've got like four media outlets on speed dial. Because, again, they fucking hate you. And htey hate you because you're an awful person and you're awful at your job. That's why there are all of these leaks. And guess what? The more people you purge and replace with loyalists, the worse you'll be at your job. You're fucked. It's just a race to see how much you can fuck us first.