Can I Live In Less Interesting Times Now?

« April 2017 »

Memo to Captains Of The Garbage Barge, The Oval Office, and Juicero: YOU ARE DUMB.

Historians will look back at the three items in today's column and conclude, correctly, that we are a nation of nutbars. I'm kidding, of course, There won't be any historians to look back at any of this. SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

So Republicans are apparently dredging up the garbage barge that is Obamacare repeal, spray-painting it, setting it on fire again, and trying to geople to vote on it quickly enough that nobody will notice the stench, all because Donald Trump is about to hit his first 100 days and his legacy to date is 59 small bombs, one big bomb, an Easter Egg Roll that managed not to kill any children, Sean Spicer mispronouncing 80% of the words in the English language, and somehow being too unpalatable for Tom Brady.

It's interesting, because a few weeks ago, they were willing to sacrifice the health and finances of most people in America to satisfy a racist political movement who thought the word "Obama" attached to something was a factual value judgment, and that was pretty fucking vile. But now that same thing is being sacrificed in an even more blatant way to assuage the ego of a guy most Republicans in Congress probably fucking hate as much as we do all to prop up the appearances of a shambles of a party and an administration just long enough to cash out and run away cough cough Jason Chaffetz cough cough.

Sarah Palin, Kid Rock, and Ted Nugent visited Donald Trump in the Oval Office. There's a picture and everything./p>

I don't even know how to describe that. The closest I can come up with is Accidental Predictive Pre-Emptive Inevitable Satire. It's so not self-aware it loops back around through the Pac-Man tunnel and becomes the most self-aware thing in the universe. I can barely process it, it's so unintentionally meta.

And finally, shout out to Juicero, a tech startup trying to put a $400 "Keurig of Juice" into everyone's homes. The Juicero takes a pre-packaged "produce pack" about the size of a medium purse, and turns it into a glass of juice by squeezing it. This is dumb, and I own an immersion circulator, so you can use that to safely gauge how I feel about kitchen gadgetry in general. I mean, with a Keurig, at least the pods take up less space than a cup of coffee does. The juice packs are bigger than the glass of juice they make. Just fucking buy juice. If you want very nice juice, buy expensive juice.

But that's not enough to get Juicero into a column, even late on a Thursday when I want to get STMF polished off and go on with my life. No, what gets the Juicero here is that the $400 electric press, with its WiFi capability and QR scanner and enough force to supposedly lift two Teslas can be quite adequately swapped out for... a pair of normal human hands squeezing it. Oops. On the upside, if you want a Juicero, just wait two years and then visit any Goodwill within 20 miles of Cupertino. You'll find one next to a 15-year-old bread machine.