Paedophilia Roundup: News You Can Use!

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Man, it has been an absolutely banner week for child-fuckers. And alleged child-fuckers.

First, from Washington state, comes the exciting news that Mary Kay LeTorneau is engaged to marry the 22-year-old Vili Fualaau, making them simultaneously the couple with the best and worst "So, how did you two meet?" story of ALL TIME. Because they met ten years ago, when she was his sixth-grade teacher, and they were fucking. They liked fucking so much they got caught fucking again after she got convicted for fucking him. They like fucking so much that he waited for her to serve out a seven and a half year sentence for fucking him, just so they could get married and fuck some more.

Which means one of two things, really. It's either a love so deep and true that it survives great hardship, or more likely, it's a sign of just how fucked up you can get when you have sex with your teachier in sixth grade. I mean, sexually, a 12-year-old boy is like a newly born chick. It's entirely possible Vili just imprinted on Mary kay's vagina. Still, probably for the best that they stay together, whatever the cause, so they can take care of the two kids they had in '97 and '98. It's a pity the Promise Keepers don't seem to still be around - Vili could be their new star.

Ever since the LeTorneau case made national headlines, Tennessee's been jealous. But no longer! Now it has its own teacher-fucks-young-student case of its very own. Seems that Pamela Joan Turner, a gym teacher who also has "pro wrestling T&A girl" on her resume, has been screwing one of her thirteen-year-old students so much, she racked up thirteen counts of statutory rape and fifteen counts of sexual battery. Presumably not all in the same day.

What bugs me the most about these cases is that people hear about sixth grader boys having sex with hot female teachers, and the boy is "lucky". Maybe so. I'm no expert on sexual maturity or development. Hell, I'm no expert on having sex as a teenager. But I'll tell you, there isn't a male teacher on the planet hot enough to get a pass for seducing a thirteen-year-old student of either gender. Nor is there a thirteen-year-old girl on the planet who'd get called "lucky" if she decided to have sex with her hot teacher, male OR female. It's the fucking Triple Crown winner in the field of hypocritical double standards - it wins the Patriarchal Derby, the Homophobic Stakes, and the er, Mysoginisteakness, I guess.

And, of course, you can't have a nice, civil discussion about child-fucking without talking about the Michael Jackson trial, which is living up to, and possibly exceeding the kind of clusterfuck freakshow factor you'd expect from the name "Michael Jackson Child Molestation Trial". Which as far as I can tell will be going on long enough to disprove the existence of a just and kind God. First, a lawyer's sister dies in an accident, and it's delayed another week. And now, all of a sudden, Jackson is rushed to the hospital after puking out what remains of his guts, so now we're on hold AGAIN.

In the meantime, we have the sorry saga of Corey Feldman, who just happened to remember just now that hey, maybe it was weird those times Michael Jackson showed him a picture book full of DISEASED GENITALIA. Gee, Corey, you think? If it happened, and you're just now mentioning it after defending Jackson for years, then you're a diseased prick yourself. If it's not true you're still a diseased prick for making shit up. If the Jackson defense lawyers were smart, they'd cross-examine Feldman by showing the jury the first season of The Surreal Life, but they do not appear to be that on the ball. So I hope Jackson's guilty, because the Cavalcade of Stars defense strategy looks to be leading straight to a conviction. I mean, here's who they're reportedly going to call in Jackson's DEFENSE.

Kobe Bryant, who certainly knows a thing or two about sex trials; David Blaine, who nobody fucking likes; Stevie Wonder, who didn't see anything inappropriate, Your Honor; Elizabeth Taylor, who knows a thing or two about younger men; and Deepak Chopra, who will certainly allay any jurors' suspicions that Jackson is a bit strange.

They're calling director Brett Ratner as a potential witness. Any juror who saw Rush Hour 2 would vote to convict Jackson out of SPITE. Nick "Backstreet Boys" Aaron "Creepy Child Pop Star" Carter, the infamous Carter Brothers? Insanity. Feldman as both a defense AND prosecution witness? He must have a tiny, week-long eretion from the attention alone. Oh, and Larry King. It's like they WANT TO LOSE.

Which would be fine, if they were committed to losing quickly, but they're not. This thing is gonna drag on for months, and our noble, effective press will be there every single day to give us every single detail, because at the end of the day, we all love a good pedophilia story. Even the ones with the happy endings.