Not Even Light Can Escape

« May 2017 »

Memo to Jason Chaffetz, Tina Brown/Sean Hannity, and Joe Lieberman: YOU ARE DUMB.

The Trump presidency is a news black hole. No story can come even remotely close to it without being sucked into its gravity well. But for today's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY, I did manage to find three things that are still circling the event horizon before the Final Cosmic Flushing. It wasn't easy.

Utah Republican Jason Chaffetz has gone from "not running for re-elction, sending shockwaves through the political world" to "leaving after Jun 30, and the only way you'd know is by clicking past the Top Stories on Google News". And that's a shame, because Chaffetz was awful at his job and we should be celebrating any good political news that's unrelated to the many and varied Trump scandals.

And by unrelated, I mean unrelated YET, because let's face it, Chaffetz was in charge of the committee investigating Trump, and is blaming his resignation on, I shit you not, a "mid-life crisis", which is hilarious on a number of levels, including the fact that there's no way he's gonna make it to 100, and because usually when a mid-life crisis causes a Republican to resign, the crisis is "someone's about to reveal that I've been fucking them and it's probably a gay thing too." So when that's your lie, imagine how much fun the truth's gonna be.

Roger Ailes is dead at 77, and any reaction that isn't a vague sense of relief is fascinating. For example, former Vanity Fair editor Tina Brown bent over forwards to be generous to Ailes (because that's what he liked) and say on Twitter that decades of him sexually abusing women in the workplace wasn't the "only way to remember him". Which is absolutely true. I mean, it's not helpful in any way, and in fact is actively harmful to the continued safety of women in American society, but it's definitely true.

But for hilarious awfulness, there's no beating Sean Hannity, who posited a bit of theology that makes the last 10 minutes of This Is The End look like a PhD thesis at a Jesuit university. Hannity implied that Ailes was in heaven (presumably, since I can't imagine any other "next life" Hannity would wish on Ailes), waiting for his critics to die so that he can be there, waiting for them, to beat them within an inch of their afterlife. I can only assume Ailes will pass the time forcing angels to blow him in order to keep their angel jobs.

And in a move that is, again, very largely but tangentially related to the implosion of the Trump presidency, it leaked yesterday that Joe Lieberman is in line to replace James Comey as head of the FBI. Which, if it comes to pass, would accomplish the previously-unanticipated-by-me task of combining everything bad about politics today with everything bad about politics ten years ago.

Lieberman is the quintessential Bullshit Bipartisan. He is Patient Zero in the brand of horrible, Third Way, No Labels centrism where splitting the difference between "black people are human" and "black people are not human" is seen as sensible moderation. We hates him. We hates him, we does. And if they pick him, and if he takes the job, and if Democrats vote for him, it'll prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that nobody's fucking learned anything ever.