Clear The Fucking Decks

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Memo to a bunch of stuff: GONNA SNEAK YOU IN HERE.

Let's face it. You're not paying attention to this. I'm not even paying attention to this. We've mostly digested the pre-release Comey opening statements, and are anxiously awaiting the hearings later today and the potential Trump tweetstorm all around it. But there's some stuff I've backburnered that nobody's going to give a shit about in twelve hours, so emergency SUPER SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY THURSDAY!

I haven't mentioned us leaving the Paris Climate Accord, because while we can and certainly did announce America's intention to leave it recently, we can't actually leave until 2020, and big swaths of America are going to adhere to it anyway, for politics or for profit.

But it is fun to note the deep, deep ignorance behind the people who are happy about this. Let's face it. We know everyone cheering this is doing so because they think it's liberal (gay), environmentalist (gay), and French (gay). It sounds like a bunch of things they've been trained to dislike phonetically, and Trump only did it to appease their lizard brains and piss off that French guy who squeezed his hand.


In Greg Gianforte news, the new Montana congressman has a new letter of apology to the reporter he attacked, including a $50,000 donation to the Committee to Protect Journalists, which is sort of admirable, but also the sentence "Despite anyone's statements to the contrary, you did not initiate any physical contact with me...", which is not admirable.

It's not admirable because the statements to the contrary were lies Gianforte put out to secure his election the next day. This is like apologizing for robbing a bank, keeping the money, and donating some of it to the Policeman's Benevolent Fund to seem like a nice guy. Call me when your letter includes the word "resignation".


I never mentioned that Alex Jones had to publicly apologize to the Chobani yogurt company because one of his many conspiracy theories was that the yogurt company was hiring rapist refugees to help run whatever equipment puts the fruit on the bottom. And any time a wingnut has to apologize to foreign-sounding yogurt, we should all cheer.


I haven't had a chance to laugh at Mark Meadows, leader of the House Freedom Caucus, who got all weepy when he realized the American Health Care Act he voted for, the American Health Care act that was made roughly 12% crueler in order to sate the boostrap-inspired bloodlust of Meadows' own freedom caucus, would actually be mean to some of his family members who suffer from pre-existing conditions.

Fuck him and his classic, selfish, Republican case-by-case empathy.


The new FBI Director news is fresh, but after tomorrow, there probably won't be time to point out that picking Chris Christie's "Bridgegate" lawyer is an interesting choice. I mean, Christopher Wray certainly has experience with a scandal involving blatant political manipulation that was stonewalled for as long as possible, then desperately pinned on underlings when stonewalling stopped working, but he doesn't have any experience PROSECUTING that, which you'd think would be an asset here. On the upside, HE's NOT JOE FUCKING LIEBERMAN.


I didn't mention that Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski are getting married, because I can't quite get away with a column that's just an introductory setup and a horrified shudder.


Ben Carson was an asshole about poor people at least twice in the past month, and you'll just have to Google it because if I can't keep up with current events, Ben Carson's sleepy ass sure as fuck can't.


And finally, try to treat today's events like you treated the Wonder Woman movie. Be hopefully optimistic, but keep your expectations low, because you've been disappointed many times before. Then, hopefully, just like with Wonder Woman, you'll be pleasantly surprised and Trump supporters will be very, very angry.