Punishable Under The RICO Act

« July 2005 »


We need to continue on from our discussion of last week - specifically, nerd-boys in relationships. Or, more accurately, nerd-boys not in relationships thinking it's because they're "too nice". They think they're "too nice" because women tell them they're "too nice". Then they inexplicably believe it.

Women say they're "too nice" because it seems kinder, in the short term, than saying "You're twice my age, smell like expired dairy products, we've known each other for two weeks, and so I really think that engagement ring you're holding is completely uncalled for." Unfortunately, it ties directly into nerds' Unresolved Swirly Issues.

Unresolved Swirly Issues are a psychological condition. Someone with USI is convinced that the social paradigm that existed during their sophomore year of high school has held sway ever since. It hasn't. I'm not saying it's necessarily BETTER, but real life is decidedly different from high school. When it comes to women, USI's lead nerds to believe the Nerd-Jock-Cheerleader triad is a valid model for their adult lives. So if the Cheerleader rejects the Nerd, who is Nice, she must be doing it so she can date a Jock, who's a Jerk.

But I've rambled on long enough. On to the subject - the end product of that kind of ridiculous thinking. Nerds tend to see things like that as a problem, and problems are solved by systems. Which leads us to "SoSuave.com", a site dedicated to developing systems for getting women. It's worse than it sounds. Especially their article, "Why Very Intelligent Men Fail With Women", by one David DeAngelo.

I tell you all right now, no matter how desperate you are for love, companionship, or a handjob in the break room, do not listen to David DeAngelo, because he is insane. I mean, I'm a firm believer in the occasional bit of all-caps for emphasis, but that's because I'm pissed off and constantly yelling. Using it for the majority of every other paragraph is a bit much..

The premise? Let me give it to you straight from the dipshit's mouth. ACT... er, actual quote time.

"But unfortunately, this smart mind of yours can actually be WORSE than USELESS when it comes to a key area of life: WOMEN AND DATING."

You see what I mean about the caps? Anyway, he proceeds to spend the next... I can't even count the paragraphs, because apparently, to score with chicks, your paragraphs must never exceed two short sentences. It's as if Wesley Crusher were written by a retarded Ernest Hemingway with a broken caps-lock key. Anyway, he goes on and lists five reasons smart guys don't pay attention to advice before moving on to the real problem. Stupid gurlz.

"NEWS JUST IN: Women don't feel ATTRACTION for men who make them THINK. // Women feel ATTRACTION for men who make them FEEL. // So what do most smart guys do when they first meet a woman? // EXACTLY! // They get into a LOGICAL CONVERSATION. // I'm shaking my head right now... // Smart men try to engage women in LOGICAL conversations and interactions because that's where THEY feel comfortable... not knowing that they're SHOOTING THEMSELVES IN THE FOOT by doing it! // Get this: A monkey sitting at a typewriter will type the collected works of Shakespeare before you will make a woman feel ATTRACTION for you by engaging her in logical conversation.*

Nerds flock to this argument like moths to a flame, because nerds love to think they're in control of their emotions. That they're more rational than everyone else, when all they really are is repressing and putting on their best pair of metaphorical Spock ears. Of course that's why you're getting shot down. It's because you're just too logical for those crazy, emotional women. Who are probably on the rag, too.

What is a "logical conversation", anyway? Are these people meeting women, taking them to dinner, defining their assumptions, laying out their arguments, and ordering their meals in the form of "If the appetizer is quesadillas, then the entree must therefore be the boneless baby-back chipotle riblets?" No wonder they're not getting their knobs polished.

But really, nothing I could say about them could be as damning as the advice they give - possibly the most insulting, misogynistic bit of nerdspeak I have ever heard. Buckle your seatbelts, we're diving back into ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Typical "logical" conversations include talking about work, family, school, and jobs... discussing politics, religion, weather... and anything that has to do with math, science, or INTELLIGENCE. On the other hand, if you start talking to a woman and you say "OK, so tell me something... Why is it that all women say that they want sweet, nice guys... but they all date sexy, selfish bad boys?" (and then make fun of any answer she gives) you're having an EMOTIONAL conversation."

Paragraphs like this are why I really, really really fucking hate so many of my fellow nerds. Not only does this guy recommend asking the Unaskable Question, he suggests doing so as a tactic, to be followed up by mocking the emotional, unintelligent female who tries to respond. This is madness. If this idea appeals to you, cut off your dick and find a cave to live in, because we, as a species, don't need your genes, and we, as a species, certainly don't need you at the booth next to ours at the Olive Garden.

There's more, but none of it is any better. Or better-written. Hell, the whole site's full of crap like that, but they only get one day, because desperate nerds turning into bitter misogynists is a story as old as horn-rimmed glasses, and twice as sad. Don't fall into that trap. BE A BETTER NERD.

*In the interests of saving space while giving you the impact of this piece's piece's psychotic paragraph breaks, I have formatted it much like it were a Rosie O'Donnell poem. Enjoy.