A Column With Heart

« June 2017 »

Memo to Karen Handel, Sean Spicer, and Mitch McConnell: YOU ARE INSANE.

There are rumors on the wind, rumors that Spicy Boy may be taken from us simply because he's bad at his core job function of "making complete sentences come out of his fucking piehole". Yesterday, he proclaimed, in response to those rumors, "I'm still here", which is one of the few times he's uttered a sentence congruent with two or more of the senses of the reporters in the room. But if he is on his way out, it'd be a shame if he didn't get one more shot at IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

“The anger has been from the left with groups of trackers showing up and literally adopting a gang-like posture and virtually stalking individuals.” - Garbage candidate and possibly, by the time you read this, new Georgia congresscritter Karen Handel.

Trackers, in case you didn't know, are volunteers from one campaign who go to public events by the opposing campaign and film those public events so that if the opposing candidate says something stupid, like, say, calling the vaguely brown tracker a "macaca", it ends up on tape and humiliates them to the extent it's even possible for politicians to be humiliated anymore. Karen Handel is very, very stupid, so she obviously hates trackers, but her characterization of them is a bit off.

Oh, and one other thing? The journalist to whom she said "the anger has been from the left" was Ben Jacobs. You may remember Ben Jacobs as the man you'd think would've stopped interviewing Republicans on the eve of special elections, since one assaulted him last time and then the guy who assaulted him won the election anyway. So he knows a little bit about where the fucking anger is coming from.

“I mean, the President clearly wants a bill that has heart in it,” Spicer said. “He believes that health care is something that is near and dear to so many families and individuals.” - Sean Spicer, before he is taken from us.

The president wants a bill with heart in it, but NO UTERUS, am I right? I am right, actually. Of course, the phrase "a bill that has heart in it" is reminiscent of Dubya's "compassionate conservatism", and is just as much bullshit, if not more. Basically, "a bill with heart" means that the people crafting and signing it don't want to be yelled at when it kills poor people and makes tens of millions of people terrified and miserable. Caring about people while not helping people isn't something fuckers should get credit for anymore.

Spicer went on to promise that the Senate and the House would keep working towards their important goals, which is weird, of course, because the Senate and House's goal is to trample millions of poor and sick people in exchange for more money and the opportunity to undo the most important thing that black guy they hate did, don't seem to involve any heart at all. Well, unless you're familiar with Mola Ram.

"Nobody’s hiding the ball here. You’re free to ask anybody anything.” - Mitch McConnell, on the Senate's insane, rushed secrecy as they attempt to smuggle a smoldering, toxic garbage barge onto Trump's desk.

In other words, "Nobody's hiding the ball here. You have the freedom to look for the ball. Not our fault if you can't find it because we hid it and also there is no ball, just a vaguely spherical Mitch McConnell dump they painted red. Also, while reporters are free to ask anybody anything, that's only because negative reaction to a Capitol plan to ban reporters from asking anybody anything caused said plan to be withdrawn.

Also, remember when you hear people talking about secrecy, Trumpcare, and Obamacare, remember that the Republicans took the worst lies and myths they've fostered and festered for the past seven years about the passage of Obamacare, and are STILL SOMEHOW BEING WORSE THAN THAT. Oh, and Democrats are still farting around flirting with whether or not to pretend to do something about it.