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Memo to Corey Lewandowski, HanAssholeSolo, and Donald Trump: YOU ARE DUMB..

Twitter! We probably never should have invented it, used it, or let it become even remotely popular. Sure, it must have filled some kind of need we, as humans, have encoded deep in our brains, but maybe we'd all have been better off if we never knew that need was there, as it provides both a medium and a topic that allows IDIOTS to SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

“He's the Ernest Hemingway of Twitter. He's taken down his opponents on Twitter many times. You can ask 'Little Marco' or 'Lyin' Ted' or 'Crooked Hillary.' We all know the names or 'Low Energy Jeb.'" - Fired Trump campaignbro Corey Lewandowski.

Oh, so much wrong with this. First of all, there can't be an Ernest Hemingway of Twitter. That's not how either Ernest Hemingway or Twitter work. And even if there could be an Ernest Hemingway of Twitter, I'm pretty sure Hemingway didn't become a famous writer by making up petty nicknames for other authors, selling fewer books than them, and still somehow ending up on top of the best-seller lists due to the arcane rules of book-counting.

I mean, I suppose Trump, in this time, is much like Hemingway in his time, the most undeserving avatar of toxic masculinity of his era. And I suppose if you presented that argument to either of them, they'd thank you for the compliment, but beyond that, the similarities end. Unless Hemingway also only had one famous book, that he used a ghostwriter for, and now that ghostwriter hates his fucking guts.

“I was trolling and posting things to get a reaction from the subs on reddit and never meant any of the hateful things I said in those posts. I would never support any kind of violence or actions against others simply for what they believe in, their religion, or the lifestyle they choose to have.” - Creator of Trump's CNN-bashing video, Reddit user HanAssholeSolo.

There's a lot that's problematic and troubling about this. I think I'd actually be more reassured by learning HanAssholeSolo had spent a day reading through posts on r/pretendingtowriteasincereapology in order to pretend to write this sincere apology than I am by the idea that someone can get so caught up in an Internet subculture that they think marking dozens of CNN employees as Jews doesn't make you a horrible person because in your heart you're good and true.

But also, that's not trolling. Not in the classic sense. If you go to a Reddit subforum about peaceful coexistence and acceptance of all people and post anti-Semitic, racist shit you don't believe in, that's trolling. It's also a very impressive feat, because finding such a subforum on Reddit strikes me as damn near impossible. If you go to a website full of racist, anti-Semitic hardcore Trumpzis and post racist, anti-Semitic, pro-Trump shit, that's not trolling, that's desperately trying to fit in with a bunch of monsters. Fuckin' kids today. Get off my Internet lawn.

"Numerous states are refusing to give information to the very distinguished VOTER FRAUD PANEL. What are they trying to hide?" - Donald Trump, before things progressed even further.

Yeah, that's some Sun Also Rises shit right there. And we know what they're trying to hide. They're trying to hide their voters' personal information from a joke of a panel that's going to take every person in the country with the same (ethnic-sounding) name, pretend they're the same (ethnic) person, claim they've proven massive voter fraud (by ethnics) and that Trump won the popular vote in a landslide, and try to use that to pass laws to ensure no (ethnic) citizen ever gets to cast a vote again.

But remember, they're not just assholes, they're incompetent assholes. And that's why FORTY-FOUR states have refused the voting commission request on a variety of ground, ranging from seeing the commission as the joke that it is, to complying with their own state's laws regarding data privacy (as in the case of Kansas Secretary of State Kris Kobach, legally prevented from releasing the data to Voting Commission Co-Chair Kris Kobach, who made the request). Oh, and also because the commission asked for all that sensitive data over completely unsecured e-mail, because, again, fucking incompetence. But hey, nobody tell Trump this. It'd go farther over his head than a Toy Story reference.