Topical, Creamed

« July 2017 »

Memo to: Rob Goldstone via Donald Trump Jr., Rick Perry, and Mike Huckabee: YOU ARE SUPER DUMB.

Topical commentary is the most challenging it's ever been. We've reached a point where I have to check the Google News top headlines before I start writing and after to make sure nothing new has developed while I wrote, because sometimes, it has. I believe the Internet calls this "life comes at you fast", and for me, it's because there are more IDIOTS saying more DAMNDEST THINGS than at any time in human history.

“This is obviously very high level and sensitive information but is part of Russia and its government’s support for Mr. Trump – helped along by Aras and Emin." - Rob Goldstone, who is a music publicist representing Russian pop stars with ties to Putin and not the proprieter of an ice cream shop for billionaires like you might think.

This, of course, is the key passage from the e-mail chain Donald Trump Jr. posted yesterday because the New York Times was going to release it anyway, and he needed one good thing his dad could awkwardly say about him in a short and stilted statement. It's impossible to read this and not come away thinking Trump Jr., Manafort, and Kushner were totally fine with Russia helping Trump win the election. That's why Fox News cut everytihing after the word "information" out of their coverage.

So weep, weep, for the mental calves of Trump supporters, already exhausted from a week of rhetorical backflips as the New York Times slowly released more and more details about the meeting so that the pasty, balding scion who puts the lie to the term "dominant genes" could repeatedly lie about it only to be contradicted the next day. I've already seen one of them, as a defense, providing very specific interpretations of the definition of "treason", so things are going great! On a related note, McDonald's new Nothingburger turns out to be their highest-calorie item on their menu.

"Here’s a little economics lesson: supply and demand. You put the supply out there and the demand will follow." - Energy Secretary Rick Perry, who replaced a PhD physicist in that job.

Every once in a while, it's a good idea to remind ourselves that not every complete fucking idiot in the Trump administration is named Trump. Case in point, Rick Perry, who took over a job held by a nuclear physicist when he himself got a "D" in a college course called "Meats", a fact that needs to be mentioned every tingle time Rick Perry comes up in conversation.

For the record, I don't even know why Perry was visiting a coal plant in the first place, because, as I believe people explained to him after he took the job, the Department, it's all about nuclear weapons and nuclear energy. But if he hadn't, we wouldn't have learned that in addition to knowing nothing about nuclear energy, nothing about meats, nothing about what his job entails, and nothing about offensive ranch names, he's also clueless about basic economics and thinks, it seems, that Adam Smith wrote "Field of Dreams" and the hands were invisible because ghost hands.

"Liberal media in a frenzy because Donald Trump Jr released all his emails. Should've just deleted them. We know that's fine with them!" - Mike Huckabee, whose daughter's job is to lie for the president and be afraid of cameras.

I want you to take note of the incredible sacrifice Mike Huckabee is making for his daughter in supporting Trump, the man she gets paid to say "Take it up with my stupid fucking son's lawyer" over and over on behalf of. Because Huckabee lost out to Trump in the presidential primary, he lost out to him in "dumbest person ever to run for President", and he lost out to him, by a tiny amount, in "largest gap between how clever he thinks he is and how clever he is". There must be a lot of resentment there.

Still, it seems like an odd tactical choice to bash liberals and praise conservatives by claiming that liberals are more competent and smart about their crimes than conservatives are. Certainly, if Donnie Boy had deleted his e-mails, we'd have to learn about Russian collusion from one of the other clumsy fucking idiots who can't even spell the word "conspiracy". I mean, even if everything the right said about Hillary Clinton was true, at least she got away with it.