Get Offen The Stagen, You Sucken

« May 2005 »


I don't come down to where you work and slap the leader of the free world out of your mouth, so I'd appreciate it if you would keep your normal distance from sociopolitical comedy and go back to whatever token jobs they hand First Ladies to comply with post-feminist expectations of someone whose job description boils down to America's Trophy Wife.

Oh, that's right. Laura's supposed to be stopping gang violence. That's the brilliant idea from the State of the Union address. As demonstrations of Washington's tragic misunderstanding of "street cred" go, Laura the Gang Czar was only slightly worse than Laura Dice Clay at the White House Correstpondents' dinner.

For those who didn't hear, Laura performed a reportedly "hilarious" comedy routine before the assembled journalists. And it was very brave of her to step in at the last minute, since the original act for the evening, the Jeff Gannon Autofellatio Experience, had to cancel on short notice. Something about a revoked press pass or a lack of proper lumbar support.

Having read the transcript, then seen bits of the performance, I can truly say that Larua Bush's performance ranked right alongside many recent Oscar monologues - too long, full of obvious current pop-culture references, delivered stiffly, and written by some hack for the performer. In this case, the hack in question is Landon Parvin, the GOP's Log Cabin Bruce Vilanch.

And like a talking dog with a speech impediment, the media is fawning over the first lady. It doesn't matter how well she did it, it's that she was able to do it at all! She called herself a "Desperate Housewife!" And she's never even seen the show! It's amazing! The New York Dailly News said she had "perfect comedic timing", and real newspapers were only slightly less effusive. Even for a room of mainstream reporters full of food and booze, the fawning was more than a smidge unbecoming. Again from the Daily News:

"While not profane, Bush's comedy routine could have been cribbed from a "South Park" episode." No, it fucking well couldn't have. One tame horse-dick joke does not a Parker and Stone make. Not even during one of their shitty topical rush-job weeks. Have some lovely excerpts. I shouldn't need to remind you these were written by a white male Republican who's overqualified to join AARP - that's obvious from the text. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"People often wonder what my mother-in-law's really like. People think she's a sweet, grandmotherly, Aunt Bea type. She's actually more like, mmm, Don Corleone." - We now know the answer to the question, "Who do I have to FUCK in this town to get national press for telling a mother-in-law joke?" And Don Corleone! That's actually a bit of a shocker. I would have expected a "Tony Soprano" in there to up the lame-ass pandering quotient by fifteen percent.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am a desperate housewife. I mean, if those women on that show think they're desperate, they oughta be with George." - Speaking of answers to questions nobody asked, I now know that if it came down between spending an hour in the company of the first lady, or an hour in the company of Henny Youngman's reanimated corpse dressed in Versace drag, I'd have a much tougher time choosing today than I would have last week. The difference really is trivial.

"One night, after George went to bed, Lynne Cheney, Condi Rice, Karen Hughes and I went to Chippendale's. I wouldn't even mention it except Ruth Ginsberg and Sandra Day O'Connor saw us there. I won't tell you what happened, but Lynne's Secret Service codename is now 'Dollar Bill.'" - You see, it's funny, because of the fundamental incongruity between these powerful successful women and your stereotypical "exotic dancer"... and... um...

Seriously, I have to ask you, Mrs. Chimpfucker In Chief: WHAT DID COMEDY EVER DO TO YOU TO DESERVE THIS? I hate Larry the Cable Guy too, but that doesn't mean taking the very institution he unfortunately represents and treating it like Abner Louima in a plumbing-supply store. Lynndie England may get a dozen years in jail for doing what you did to Sweet Mother Comedy that night. I never thought I'd say this, but if you're going to be here all week, exhorting me to try the veal just to distract people from your husband's burgeoning unpopularity, then I beg you, bring back the color-coded alerts and raise them. A grateful nation will thank you.