The Innate Hazards Of The Job

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Memo to the Howard Center: STILL DUMB.

The things I put myself through for you people. Way back when, I put myself (under the clever pseudonym Bertha Lambert) on the Howard Center for Family, Religion, and Society so that I could do three days on the Natural Family Manifesto. Which means they e-mail me stuff. Not a lot, but occasionally. And boy, howdy, are they fucked up.

It starts out with a section entitled "Grudging Respect From Our Foes", purporting to be ACTUAL e-mails from ACTUAL liberals who think these fucking nutjobs aren't ACTUALLY so bad. I can only assume that they're genuine, since they actually interpreted some words from Ms. magazine as "praise". The first of a long string of ACTUAL QUOTE TIMES!

"It reports that the Howard Center?s World Congress of Families project has 'brought together the leadership of an increasingly trenchant and powerful wing of the international conservative movement.' Our Mexico City Congress, held in March 2004, 'was teeming with crowds that reflected the organization?s growing luster,' a venue where 'for the first time, the U.S. government gave its explicit endorsement of the so-called pro-family agenda.'"

That's not grudging respect. That's a fucking warning. If my way of life were under assault by goose-stepping bible-thumping retards, and it certainly seems to be, when I yell: "LOOK! RETARDS!", I'm not showing respect. In fact, you'd have to be some kind of goose-stepping, bible-thumping re.... oh, right.

Close to home, they refer to a passage from a book from our very own University of Minnesota. One, and I quote, "authored by two law professors with open "feminist" and "lesbian" sympathies." Now, as an author of comedic rants, I'm intimately "familiar" with the use of "sarcastic" quote marks to demean "people" whose affilliations you disagree with. They're used when you want to be a "dick". Which is fine for me, because that's my ever-lovin mission statement. But my organization doesn't have the words "family", "society", or "religion" in it. What Would Jesus Put Sarcastic Quote Marks "Around"?

They even quote Salon, where I first heard about the manifesto. Another warning cry treated as praise. "Or consider this March 2005 commentary from the liberal e-journal Salon.com, which describes our new product The Natural Family: A Manifesto (jointly published with the Sutherland Institute) as 'a radical re-envisioning of the family unit in social and economic terms, and a sweeping prescription for the pro-family movement,' one built on 'the "integrity" of the home [and] autonomous family units composed exclusively of one woman, one man, and as many children as possible.'" See? Salon understands sarcastic quotes too.

They also include praise from the nutjob right, which they claim "cuts across religious and denomination lines". Yeah. A Southern Baptist, a Catholic, and Focus on the Fucking Family. They've assembled a coalition so incredibly broad that one of Howard Dean's sweeping generalizations couldn't begin to capture just how homogeneous* it is.

Why are they sending out these e-mails? Because they want MONEY. Can't keep oppressing Team Selfish Hedonism if you don't have money. Printing up their shitty manifesto, even at Kinko's, ain't free. It's like giving to NPR, only without a tote bag. Twenty five bucks gives you a newsletter (there's that Kinko's bill again), seventy bucks or more gives you two newsletters and a book. On a pure bigotry per dollar ratio, you're not going to find a better deal out there, folks.

Of course, if you REALLY want to help these guys in their quest to preserve the American family circa 1954, you can follow their small suggestion at the bottom. Right below the comedically redundant "If you would like to receive this e-mail and be added to the Howard Center mailing list". FINAL ACTUAL APPALLING QUOTE TIME!

"Please remember the Howard Center for Family, Religion and Society in your will." - Your WILL. That says more about both their target audience and their unmitigated gall than I ever could, no matter how many times I called them assholes. Still, there IS that warm feeling I get in my heart every time I type it. These guys are assholes.

*If anyone from the Howard Center is reading this, just so you know, this means "all the same", not "enjoys the buttsex". Look it up.