Me And My Muffins Are Still Here

« August 2005 »

Hold on just one second while I check the scoreboard. Just a sec... here it comes...



And while we're at it, You Are Dumb Dot Net one, Atkins zero. Back in the mists of antiquity, when I was just starting to yell at things, the SIXTH thing I yelled at was all you South Beach, pancake-forsaking, muffin-hating, bacon-hoarding, butter-fucking Atkins people.

Low-carb's not a fad, you said. It's a lifestyle! It's scientific! All you need is a little beef and a lot of ketosis, and you too could be a hard-bodied deus ex ab-machine.

I couldn't travel five feet without being offered what would normally be a perfectly decent sandwich as a "low-carb wrap", which means they took the meat and the cheese and they wrapped it up in a roofing tile full of Splenda. People wanted to have their cake and ketose too, so they ended up eating baked goods with so much fiber in it they shat adobe.

Funny thing, though. Twenty months later, You Are Dumb Dot Net is still here. Atkins Nutritional, on the other hand, is bankrupt So everyone grab your tap shoes and a bagel, it's time to dance on a fucking grave.

What killed Atkins? What do you think killed it? It was a fad diet. So two things happened. First, everybody and their uncle started making Fruit-N-Asbestos bars, and suddenly the Atkins company's super-special plastic-wrapped two-buck-a-pop nutriturds weren't the only game in town. Oops.

If you're gonna have a fad diet and keep your market share, you've got to make people think you're the only source for a special ingredient. With Atkins, all you can do is be a source for -less- of a -common- ingredient. And that's a recipe for disaster. Because if there's one thing modern food companies know how to do, it's charge you more money for less stuff.

You don't notice the hoodia people going belly-up, do you? No, you don't. You know why? Because nobody knows what hoodia is, or what it's supposed to be like. They're not going to start making Twix bars with hoodia in them. So all you need is some dried parsley and a gelcap and you, too, can get in on the ground floor of the latest diet fad.

And when the next fad comes around, keep the parsley, keep the caplets, and change the box. Problem solved, bankruptcy averted!

And the second reason Atkins is dead is because, well, motherfuckers love their bread. You know how all the Natual Family asshats lie and say that traditional Ward Cleaver marriage has been around for five thousand years? Bread's been around longer, and we don't even have to lie about it. And all the hemp, spelt, and corrugated cardboard in the world may fool your body into thinking it's starving, but it won't fool your brain into thinking it's BREAD.

So that's one target down, hundreds to go. And Santorum's up for re-election in aught-six. Brings a smile to this pissed-off cynics face, it does.