A Column That Can't Occur By Chance

« August 2005 »

You know what? I am so fucking sick and fucking tired of the same fucking crap being embraced by the idiots at every level of this country all the way up to the top, that today, I'm turning the column over to you. Sort of. You know how this goes, so feel free to make your own YAD using time-tested Mad Lib technology.

Memo to _________________ (nickname for the President): YOU ARE DUMB.

I mean, I know you're in league with the _________________ (animal)-fuckers. Probably _________________ (verb)ed a few yourself from time to time. But to just throw your lot in with the _________________ (synonym for stupid), _________________ (ditto), _________________ (ditto) sons-of-_________________ (profane plural noun other than 'bitches') like that...

I mean, it's not as if I didn't think he felt that way. This is a man who was almost _________________ (verb)ed by a _________________ (snack food). But Presidents usually stay out of this debate, so when I heard you'd actually endorsed Intelligent Design, well, let's just say I was _________________ (synonym for 'angry'). ACTUAL _________________ (NOUN) TIME!

"I think that part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought. You're asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to different ideas, the answer is yes." - _________________ (primate).

Like most of the _________________ (adj.) _________________ (adj.) bull_________________ (noun) that spews from Dubya's _________________ (noun)-hole, this is essentially a ridiculous idea that has been vagued-up until it sounds plausible. It's like the _________________ (nerdy reference) version of reductio ad absurdum.

After all, children are people. Also true. And people should be exposed to different ideas. Absolutely. And evolution certainly is a different idea from creationism, in much the same way as _________________ (obvious thing) is different from _________________ (ridiculous thing)

What really _________________ (verb)s my _________________ (noun) is how coy he tried to be about it. News reports say he seemed "unwilling" to talk about it, which is understandable, when your only political options are pissing off the legions of _________________ (organ)-breathers who put you in power, or publicly endorsing LYING TO CHILDREN.

Well, guess who ain't pissed off today? _________________ (expletive).

OK, folks. Go to work. This column is irreducibly complex, and thus, like an eyeball or Karl Rove's legal defense, needs the guiding hand of an intelligent force (that doesn't have to be God, even though it really is, wink wink) to fully come into being. Enjoy your small-scale apotheosis while it lasts.